I'm just not that into you

I broke up with Idol this week. I'll secret-stalk her by watching Idolatry, but otherwise, we're through.

The five levels of Idol performance

Completely Entertaining
Crystal

Mostly Entertaining
Lee

Not Really Entertaining, But Not Quite Objectionable
The Outlaw Casey James
Big Mike
Tim

So Soul-Crushingly Boring As To Be Objectionable
Siobhan
Katie
Aaron

Entirely Objectionable
Andrew

Style over Substance

Have you noticed that, even though he's all lispy and quiet and sensitive and dorky, Aaron Kelly always stands as though he's hung like a stallion?

Katie has really nice teeth. She also has a great rack.

Heather has already spoken to this (on twitter?): ixnay on the ecknay attootays. And why is Andrew always in clothes that look just a little bit too small for him?

They call him "Big Mike" because his name is Mike, and he's big.
Non sequitur of the night: "I think Simon wants to challenge me to a pec contest."

Kara likes the word "relevant" tonight.
Wow, shilling Fox, Glee, and Coke all within a few moments!

Are Crystal's dingy teeth part of her earthy street cred?
Weirdest theme in this year's contestants: weak or missing eyeteeth.

Tim is pretty. Pretty vacuous! HAR HAR I think he's the fifth Monkee.

Simon just said "whingeing." Britishisms FTW!

Casey James looks like a Jesus Christ Superstar understudy who pays the bills with his job as a waiter at the country club. Where he gets a little sumthin' on the side from the tennis MILFs.

Siobhan is like one of those girls in a romantic teen comedy: she's going to take off her glasses and pull out her hair scrunchy and suddenly be the hot chick no one ever noticed before.

"Earl the Hugger." Really?

Lee and Andrew are dating?? Nice! I hope Andrew likes bagpipes....

That's what SHE said.

"He has a tool." -- Usher, on Casey James

Whatever

So are we all just busy, or not interested in this season's contestants? I just can't muster much enthusiasm for any of these folks. I like Crystal Bowersox, and could like Lee after he practices a bunch, but otherwise I'm pretty meh.

And can anyone explain the big hoo-hah over Siobhan?

The theme this season?

The dominant theme this season seems to be that people aren't "connecting" with their songs (which I totally agree with) but how much can they connect with songs they haven't written and possibly haven't heard before?  How much can a 17 year old relate to Stevie Nicks or (especially) Carole King?  I feel like Carole King sprung from the womb an old soul before she ever dated James Taylor and went through whatever she went through when she wrote songs like Natural Woman. 

A great example: Lily Scott's tampon commercialization of Patsy Cline.  That made me angry.  How did the judges like that terribly perky take on Patsy?

Things cound have been worse

Oh dear god!

I forgot about Jermaine's "Get Here" from last week -- I take back my vaguely okay comments in the last post!

Fashion (turn to the left)

I like the plaid jacket, Alex. Lose the mullet.

Nice. Bow. Tie. Jermaine Pee-Wee Sellers.

Too much shirt, Tim.

Be more something, Aaron: teeny-bop, country, I don't care what.

Ah, the good ol' days...

So, a year ago at this time, we were all a-buzz about that occasionally screechy rocker dude with the amazing pipes and personality, Adam Lambert. Two years ago we were already marveling at the two Davids: Cook with the horrid hair who kept pulling out those creative re-workings of formerly tired songs and adorable Archie with the impossibly sunny personality and the heart-wrenching ballads. The year before that we had breath-of-fresh-air Blake who was new-wavey and beat-boxey and utterly unlike any previous Idol contestant....

Is ANYONE standing out this year? I'm loving Idolatry more than ever, but even their pimping of BOW.ER.SOX, BOW.ER.SOX doesn't have me convinced I should be falling down in amazement.

Witness the action here at Idol Snark: the posts have been thin, and dominated by beefcake photos of our micro-crushes rather than any genuine enthusiasm for these people as singers. Are we bored of Idol? Bored of blogging about it? Or are we bored with this year's boring judges and their boring choices and the boring contestants' boring renditions of boring songs?

I miss Paula's cup.

Uhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe it doesn't matter if he sings off key.

My new babydaddy

This kid?

 

I want him to put a baby in me. Immediately.  Whew. Wow.  

Edited to add: be VERY careful doing a Google Images search for this kid. There's a rather chesty woman with the same name. 

Is it wrong...

... that I DVRed both nights and then just fast forwarded through everything? I think I listened to about 30 seconds of each song, watched the judges say how it was crap, and then deleted the show to make more room for "Damages" and "House Hunters International."

I think my tolerance will be low until the final 12. There are still too many people giving bad performances, and I can't really tell any of them apart. (This probably has to do more with my apathy toward the endless bios that occurred during tryouts.)

And could Kara just sit on Simon's lap at the judging table? Every time the camera shows Simon, Kara is grabbing screen time... or not paying attention to the show. When she does pay attention, she wobbles so much to the music that she reminds me of those sprinklers that look like octopi and bring endless hours of delight to kids during the summer.

Can this guy sing?

Can he sing? I have no idea.

 

Do I want to make weird, intense, unblinking love to him? Abso-effing-lutely.

divorce does not = cancer, jail or even car wreck survival

Please oh please oh please, let the girl who keeps whining about her trauma of being a child a divorce go home! I'm trying to cut her some slack, at that age everything that happens to you seems to be a major trauma, but half the kids in the damn country have gone through at least one divorce. Get a grip!

Love Ellen. Hate Kara more every episode.

Bikini Boy

Yuck! Not even funny, let alone sexy.

I'd love to know the filtration process for getting to the final idol audition room. Who can explain it, anybody know?

Watching episode eight this evening (in Thailand now, so I retrieve it from nefarious sources and plug it into my media center box).

So so so happy auditions are over. If it were up to me, there would be max two episodes of auditions. Got to sell that coke, though.

How do all of you feel about this much time spent on auditions, do you like it?

Oh, also, this is my first real posting on this blog. Good to be here!

You're Going to Hollywood!

A hundred million percent yuk

Can't the judges come up with any other way to make a yes emphatic? "A hundred percent yes." "A thousand percent yes." "A million percent yes." Why does Kara always wag her head from side to side like she's some gospel diva bobble-head when she's pretending to be into a contestant's audition? Why did they bring Zombie Spice back again if she's only going to comment on people's boots, dresses, and skin? When did this become "Make-A-Wish Idol" (yeah, I stole that from Idolatry), where you have to be a custody-battle fugitive, a premie baby with a dead dad, or a motorcycle-accident victim who plays guitar through the pain to be a compelling story? What fresh hell is this, if I'm missing Paula with a passion? Can we please just fast-forward to Hollywood Week? Please??

At least we got to hear more "good" (??) singers tonight, and fewer lame goofniks. Small miracles....

Can we fast forward?

What. The. Hell?

I'm not sure if my frustration is with the fact that I still watch the audition shows or with the absolute ridiculousness of this year's auditions and parade of celebrity judges.

The guy who is a bit like the serial killer who skins girls in Silence of the Lambs just finished his audition. At some point, couldn't the producers decide to just feature people who can actually sing and make the idea of competition possible? Generally, the audition process helps start to look for standouts one can root for on the actual show; this year, the focus is SO much on the odd ducks that I don't remember one person who has received a golden ticket.

Regarding judges, I think we need a whole new crop. Randy is as useless as ever; Kara seems to have developed a case of Parkinson's whenever she likes someone; Simon is as curt as ever (which I'm actually not minding). Kara also has a knack for looking off camera whenever she does something silly. Is she trying to impress someone? And then the celebrity judges that don't seem to do much. Shania Twain has been the only judge that has added much in terms of helpful advice for people. The rest - even Kristin Chenoweth who I adore - seem to be seat fillers.

I need a time machine to just get to the actual show.

A big welcome to... oh, she's gone.

They certainly are zipping through a manic array of celebrity guest judges this year, aren't they? Shania Twain = smart, articulate, kind, and musically insightful. Go figure! Avril Lavigne, you are silly; please go away. Katy Perry is adorable, but I'm too blinded by the Katy/Kara/Kleavage to notice what anyone is saying. Nonetheless, watching Katy lay down the skillful snark on Kara is delightfully satisfying.

Why do the screening producers/judges put through so many bad singers who are merely bad (as opposed to weirdos who are entertainingly horrid or bizarre)? And couldn't we hear a little more good, a little less bad??

Does anyone know when Ellen shows up? Will she be there for Hollywood week, or just the big shebang?

Hey, WAIT. Was that a little glimpse of NPH for tomorrow night???

Posh? Gosh!

Lookin' good, Zombie Spice.

Where's Paula?

I'll miss Paula. I really will. Yeah, we had all those years of the crazy cup, but last year she was the most generous AND lucid of the four judges. I like Simon when he's critical and correct, but too often last year he was just cranky and wrong. And I suppose you've all heard by now that he's quitting after this year. And Ellen's not going to be at the try-outs. Love her, but I'm skeptical about her as an AI judge. And we're back to a final 24, after the clunky 36 of last year. And Posh Becks sits in on the auditions tonight; I wonder how that will go. Can't wait to hear all your snark as the 2010 ball gets rolling....

Oh, hey; you're right. I didn't say anything about Randy and Kara. *whistles tunelessly, looks at sky*

It's coming...

Are you out there? It's me, Brandon.

The new season is starting soon, and I hope everyone is getting their snark pants out of storage. (Not that, I'm sure, any of us have been completely "unsnarky" since the season ended.) To think of all the new people to make fun of!