Manhattan vs. San Juan: The Ultimate Smackdown

Watching West Side Story would probably be a better option than a third night of AI, but I can’t turn back now.

Maybe I should give up my job to try out for the show. Oh no, Adeola. People shouldn’t try singing that song. Yikes. Another “I’m just going to keep singing even when they tell me I’m horrible, but I’m not giving up.”

Tonight we’re in Omaha! Now, that would be something. It would get us one step closer to Amish Idol.

Commercial Time
Re: Diet Coke and Heidi Klum. Since I’m going through Project Runway withdrawal, I have to make a comment. Some of my favorite moments on the show are when Nina Garcia says something like, “The quickest way to trashy is through short, leopard print skirts with spangles.” Cut to Heidi Klum wearing a short, leopard print skirt with spangles. I wonder if they slap each other when the camera’s off. Or maybe Klum starts shouting in German and Garcia starts shouting in Spanish, and Michael Kors sits in between feeling awkward… and orange.

But I digress.

Loud does not equal good. OMG! She just stomped her foot. That was awesome. Did she say she was 20? 2? I think the judges have an interesting definition of “constructive criticism.” Can I implement this into my classroom?

AI is all about the musicals this season. Just tonight we have West Side Story and Hair. I thought Broadway was taboo for the show.

Jackie is an enigma. She scared me at first, but I think she could have… whatever! I love that the set just fell apart and they just keep going. I think Jackie caused the window to fall down. She’s like Carrie. Seriously, no one is going to even comment on the set falling apart? Does this happen a lot?

Sad and bad montage – Cue Chris Isaac.

Like Simon, I hate comedic things, but Norman is cracking me up. He can actually kind of sing, but he’s sure to get creamed in Hollywood.

Alexis Cohen… Take it Take it Take it. It’s like she’s an ambassador. A scary ambassador. Was that a monologue she was delivering to the orange shirt people?

“I Want to Dance with Somebody” used to be one of my favorite Whitney Houston song. Woah, Paula with the smackdown saying no. She never does that. Not that it matters.

On to Hollywood! (Maybe I’ll actually care about some of these people then.)

Where are the black people?

As Darla and Lisa have pointed out, they've put through so much crap this season. And then they give this polite, cute, talented Osmond boy a bad time?? They must ALL be drinking from Paula's crazy cup.

Hey! It's the Target Lady from SNL! And the Cowardly Lion on meth.

Listen: None of you will entertain the thought, even for a second, of calling me Greg the Rabbit. Or Swarley.

Love the "thank you" montage. I can honestly say, without irony, that I admire talentless, deluded people so much more if they are gracious and grateful after the fact.

Does this class president boy have angel wings on the back of his t-shirt?

I really appreciate that they've let us see more of the good stuff tonight. Maybe the earnest wholesomeness of SLC got to them.

TOMORROW night??? What the --? I do NOT have THREE nights a week to devote to this show.

OMG SLC

Is it wrong that I’m excited about AI in SLC? Are the acronyms too much? IDK. It’s almost like this audition is in my backyard. Ahhh, look at all of those wholesome people.

It’s an Osmond gang! Auuuugggghhh! Well, hell. I was all ready to make fun of this guy, but since he has MS, I would feel bad. I can still make fun of the gang though. Do they always travel in a pack?

Oh, Kara. Really? Commenting on “all those runs”? Do you not watch this show and what singers do?

The question of what makes this town so happy followed by the “Gee willickers,” etc: They should have thrown someone in saying, “Oh my heck!” and we would be closer the source of all this happiness.

If I were a judge, I’d ask Frankie to do another song to make sure she isn’t just doing an Amy Winehouse impression. And what’s with the impressions? The next girl, who I kind of like, has some weird Bjork moments… if Bjork sang songs from Showboat.

Oooo! Sneak peak of Kelly Clarkson’s new album. Yay! Can I get a “woot” for the original American Idol?

By the way, the next time I do something well and walk through a door I want a group of people to scream in approval.

The Riverton sweaters. Interesting choice. Did Raffi sing soul songs? Perhaps I misunderstood his genre when I was a kid. Ahhh, I actually got a little choked up when Austin did.

In a singing competition, it’s not the best thing for someone’s first comment to be “You have a beautiful face.” Well, good for Rose and her dirty feet.

What what what? Tomorrow night? AI is on three times this week? I didn’t plan for this. But thank goodness Hollywood week is next week. Thanks, AI for shortening the audition weeks!

Ryan: lost in the jungle or trying to escape?

I want to invite George "Simple house, marble floors" Ramirez to a party at my house - I was impressed and amused by his ability to wildly misinterpret the questions asked of him.

Also, nobody should ever try to sing a Minnie Ripperton song. Including Minnie Ripperton.

Paula clearly had hooch in her cup tonight. The crazy was in full force.

Were there several undeserved golden tickets tonight or was I just not paying close enough attention?

An Osmond tomorrow? I can't wait.

Jacksonville nonsense

A dog. Paula macking on Kara. And more peekaboo than I thought possible in a blouse. ALL IN ONE AUDITION. I thought this was supposed to be a serious singing competition!! (Okay, no, I really didn't.)

Booyaai-bum bum. My new favorite scat syllables.

And now a tiara and a sash. Really. I think I've identified the tone they're going for tonight.

"The music business . . . is pain." --Kara
For the performers, or the listeners??

Lap-dances.
Why am I surprised at anything at this point?

Jasmine is fresh-faced and Disney-cute. I love her! I will buy a pink plastic purse with her picture on it. And her family is nice, too. Oh... and she can sing. Yay!

Are some of these people here on a dare?

Someone needs to develop a drug to help people curtail their uncontrollable melisma.

In all seriousness, I would like to see a behind-the-scenes episode sometime, where we get to see the PAs teaching songs to a whole stadium, and find out how the judges-before-the-judges make their decisions, and see what all the people do who never even make it to the main room. Not to mention the editing decisions! I guess all the total nonsense tonight made my mind wander to more interesting topics, like the logistics of producing a pop-culture behemoth like AI.

You've got to be kidding me.

That seems to be the phrase of the season, and it's usually followed by someone breaking into tears because their feelings are hurt. Come on, people. My ears hurt, and I should be crying about how awful they are. This is why I hate the audition shows. I don't really care about any of these people, so their tears have no effect on me.

At 7:38 p.m. I'm not wowed by Jacksonville.

By the way, there seem to be a lot of young contestants. This is bad for potential voice crushes. It's just awkward to fall in love with a 16-year-old's voice.

Speaking of award, I may have switched over to Amish Idol. Hi, George. His beard makes me think of the episode of "The Family Guy" where birds nested in Peter's beard and caused all sorts of problems.

Heather is . . .

I met Darla and Gregory in library school, where I secretly wanted to be their friend, but didn't feel cool enough. Through some miracle I was pulled into their fold which was great aside from the fact that Gregory always wants to sit in the front row in class. I wasn't turned on to AI until season 5, when Darla, Jillynn, and Gregory made me watch whilst drinking many gin and tonics. My favorite part of watching this show is the discussion afterward. I have no technical knowledge of the difference between melody/harmony/pitch, so my comments tend to the "nice boots, you whore" variety.

I had an epiphany one night while very drunk and emotional that my state was what Paula Abdul's entire life is like: she just feels EVERYTHING. You'd be wacky too. I love David Cook and resent the fact that he is big with "the cougar crowd" because I want to make love to him, misshapen head and all, and I worry that he would call me "ma'am" afterward.

I missed this week's show because my roommate hijacked the TiVo to record Lost. This will not happen again.

Mysterioso

I am the mysterious Brandon who magically appeared on this blog. As Gregory said, we met through the English teacher cult...errr... council. I have been an AI fan since the beginning (though I did fall away during the Fantasia year and became reobsessed during the Carrie Underwood year). I take my Idol watching seriously, and discuss it at work as if I'm discussing war, poverty, and other global crises. It's second only to the seriousness of "Project Runway."

When I'm not making fun of AI, I'm making fun of everything else. This sounds means, but it actually make me endearing and funny.

***

For some reason I can't comment here. Seriously, Blogger. I created this post; I should be able to comment on it. It's hard to snark off the cuff when I have to go through a rigmarole to comment. But I digress.

I really only needed to say that yes, I do read Project Rungay. My PR viewing is incomplete until I've read the blog.

This addition isn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be. I wish I could give back to everyone that 20 seconds it took to read this.

It's all about me.

Hey, I'm Darla and I am a Taurus. I love figs and super spicy food. I worship at the church of David Bowie, but enjoy many different genres of music. I've been simultaneously making fun of and enjoying AI since S2 - David Cook is my favorite winner, Taylor Hicks is my least favorite winner and Clay Aiken should have been a winner. My wife has spoken with Ryan Seacrest on the phone. This is my third season sparring devotedly with Heather, Gregory and Lisa about AI. I met Gregory when I overheard him discussing the merits (or, rather, lack thereof) of Katie Couric. I befriended Heather by luring her into a dark and smoky bar and using gin & tonics to pry information out of her. Gregory, Heather and I discovered that we all enjoyed making fun of the same people and have been inseperable ever since. I don't believe that I've ever met Lisa in person and I've never heard of Brandon until tonight (so hi Brandon!).

And we're off to the races!

The role of Paula Abdul will be played tonight by Eliza Doolittle.
"Can't get enough of your..." dimples! Yowza.
"Dueling piano player" is a profession?
What a lot of nonsense they're showing us tonight. Bleh.
Eliza Doolittle has become a Hooters waitress overnight.
This is nearly unwatchable. Do we get to see ANY of the good ones?
Sheesh. What a waste of an hour. Boo. :(

Time Wasters a la Louisville

1. How to pronounce 'Louisville' - who cares? especially if several denizens claim different versions as the correct one (unlike Boise - in which there is only ONE correct pronunciation --> BOYsee, not BOYzee).
2. To Kara: "just put your lips on it and blow." (I later learn that this is foreshadowing)
3. Bolo-wearin' "be careful" Mark - maybe I've been watching too much Dexter, but I genuinely believe that this guy is a serial killer. Didn't Paula just have a stalker put away?
   
4. Kara going under the table - is that where she plans to practice "just putting her lips on it and blowing?"
5. Nerdy Ross' dissertation. Natch, I'm totally down with the nerds and all, but this was a completely different species than the beloved word-nerd.
6. Instead of the 'Shout' montage, I would rather have heard the audition of the chick with the pink streaks in her hair.
   

On the other hand, I totally could've watched more of Zebra-dude. I loved the chick who had the record deal - is she playing fair? I dig Kara's call-and-response with the overly animated CCR guy - she should do that more. Totally looking forward to seeing what the implied girl-on-girl action with Paula and Kara is all about.

Am I a rude-ass MoFo if I keep expecting one of the Louisville contestants, in their bio montage, to introduce their baby-daddy as "my husband and my cousin"? So sue me.

Gregory is...

Gregory is really shallow. He likes shiny happy things with lots of vocal harmonies, catchy melodies, and hand claps. Musicals are awesome. If singers are cute they sound better. He laughs at the bad auditions, but feels bad for them if they get picked on too much. Gregory knows Brandon because they are both editors of newsletters for English teachers. Gregory knows Heather and Darla because all three of them trained to be Information Scientists together. Gregory knows the radish from way back when he was just a wee carrot.

the radish = Lisa, old (really old) friend of Gregory's

I just realized I don't know who Brandon is, and he probably doesn't know who I am, so here's a short AI-related intro. I just started watching 2 years ago, as part of a tv show swap with Gregory (I started watching AI, he started watching Veronica Mars -- I think he got the better part of the deal quality-wise, and I got the better part of the deal ongoing-entertainment-wise).

Loved Blake on the show, but not his stuff afterwards; loved David Cook from the time he said he was a word nerd and still think he's awesome (Gregory does not share this view). I generally like the more rock/blues style singers (real musicians I like include Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, The Police in their punk phase; I also like musicals). I particularly hated the country girl from last year who lasted way too long (although to be fair, I hated her the moment she said she sold her favorite horse to go to the audition, the bitch).

So that's where my IdolSnarkitude comes from. I'd love to read everyone else's self-descriptions if you feel like it.

Wait a second...

I was so wrapped up in Obama Tuesday that I forgot "American Idol" even existed yesterday.

However, if I'm not mistaken, the Joanna Pacitti who just performed and broke down crying after receiving her golden ticket is the same Joanna Pacitti who, about 15 years ago, was supposed to star in the 20th anniversary production of Annie, but was dumped a couple of weeks before it opened on Broadway.

How is that for random information?

This Mud... Mudd... guy looks like Uncle Fester... or Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade. "Be careful." Woah.

Is Paula trying to look like Sarah Palin?

You iracktitate me.

The cheesy editing on Idol is about as subtle as that one guy's coat, but one of the things they do really well is create a package on a quirky contestant illustrating their most intriguing and annoying eccentricities, leaving the viewers in suspense as to whether they will blow us away with their talent, or blow us away with the lack of it. This week we started out with Telenovela Tatiana, aka gigglechick, and after she sang, we were no more enlightened. Personally, I don't think they should have encouraged or enabled her ridiculous attention-whore behavior for a Hollywood minute.

Jesus's kids were adorable, but Simon called it correctly right from the start: he's not bad but he won't last long.

I'm glad they showed us a few of the other finalists, if only in abbreviated form. I waht them to do this more often. I'm annoyed when we waste so much time on auditions like Rubic's Cube dude, and then some of the finalists are complete strangers.

I'm fascinated by Kara's tidy-tattered blouse. And apparently we've discovered her role: girl who will talk back to Simon, but actually make sense.

"I wanna sing the same song over; I came from the wrong rectum." She shouldn't have let Simon, Paula, and Randy iracktitate her.

Annie was annoyingly flakey, and yes, over the top, but she sang at least as well as Telenovela Tatiana or Jesus.

I'm Andrew Lambert. I started singing and doing musical theater at age ten. "I decided to come out.... and audition for American Idol...." Interesting choice of words, bud. Unfortunately, America always gets rid of the boys that seem a little suspect, regardless of their singing abilities. Nice use of Coldplay as a running soundtrack for this guy. At the end of this segment, a ninja stylist can be seen sneaking up on Paula, perhaps to execute some stealth grooming?? And how would that work exactly, with her nice. hat. ?

This one, I felt it in my trayshea.

San Francisco!

Okay, the way Kara efficiently and kindly exited the crazy girl with the anatomy printouts? She must have worked as a bartender at some point because that was masterful. I really dug her throughout this episode, even her weird peekaboo shirt.

I loved loved loved the guy with the seizing mama. I loved his song choice and I think he's adorable. This means he'll get cut in Hollywood. So it goes.

QUESTION: Where'd all those Mercy Golden Tickets come from? ANSWER: San Francisco

Hi, you're from Puerto Rico and you're sexy and won't take no for an answer. Here, please have a golden ticket. And you, Jesus (not to be confused with Jesus), your singing does not impress but that Gabriel is one cute kid, so you may also have a golden ticket.

And the musical theatre guy who sang Bohemian Rhapsody (Adam?) and the handsome guy who loves his mom? Contenders for sure.

But who else received a golden ticket? Eight other mystery contestants, that's who.

Please fire the editor who decided that body-part-diagram girl deserved ten minutes of valuable digital real estate.

I agree that the background music is much improved - I credit David Cook.

Bikini Girl

Sometimes I really hate men (Simon and Randy sending Bikini Girl through). But at least there's this:
Bikini girl fired from Hooters

Hater strikes back

Yeah, the montages are much cooler this year, and someone finally fixed David Cook's hair a while back, but he still does nothing for me. And yes, the Castros have gorgeous teeth. And I'm gritting mine because that's about all I can bring myself to say.

I'm pleased to hear what you both have to say about Kara, because that's just what I was thinking but I didn't want to influence anyone's thinking (is that possible with this group?) or have D call me a hater. :) The Dio really needs to find her place/niche/angle. And she should avoid trying to have sing-offs with crazy auditioners. Like H, I'm looking forward to the inevitable Dio/Abdul throw-down.

Simon indeed seems nicer (boo!), but then again, we're getting a highly edited glimpse into the audition process, and the focus seems to be vacillating between ridiculous and tear-jerking, so maybe it's just not time for Simon Says Nasty Things in the story arc of Idol '09.

Enjoy your long weekend, snarkers.

Kansas City -- We Have Bad Teeth!

Oh, the montage of David Cook makes me all goosebumpy. Remember how bad his hair used to be? I sort of want him to put a baby in me. Do the think the Castros have a parent who is a dentist? They have such pretty straight white teeth under those terrible heads of hair.

"The package" is not a good singer, but I think she's adorable, with her winking and her cowboy boots. I fear she's going to stick around and annoy me like Coalminer's Daughter did.

Oh, opera dude, you can't say you "gave up music" when you're 20 years old. That was just you being a distracted teen. And why the beard? Everyone looks so OLD in Kansas City.

Has anything good EVER come of singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow? Oh this is awesome, this dawning horror and the lack of speaking on anyone's part.

I like the girl with the many names and the grandmother and her "crazy pills." I have crazy pills, too!

These two sisters who are rapping are endearing. I know it's terrible, but I giggled like mad when Simon said he wished he "had a sister like that." I do too, Simon. For the record, Z and I had a field day when they brought the blind guy out last time. "I just don't SEE you in this competition." "PLEASE let him sing a Ray Charles song." And then Ryan tried to high five him! It's like the producers want us to be evil.

I don't believe this guy with the dead wife. This just feels totally fake. How long ago did his wife die? I'd still be in bed, I wouldn't be going to auditions. I know I'm evil, but I'm just not buying it. I do think he has a good voice, so I'm hoping he rests on that and not his poor dead wife.

I feel like the judges were really asking Anoop to "be less Indian." The comments about looking too "high tech," too dorky . . . I call xenophobia.

I'm loving all the background music they're using . . . Neko Case, Death Cab, Adele . . .

The guy with the medal--that's Christopher Guest, no? The dog got up and left the room when he came on the screen.

I'm also trying to figure out what Kara's role will be. It seems that Paula copies whatever she says, which can only mean that Kara is going to put a knife in her back down the line. For now it's fun to have another woman in the mix, particularly one who seems to know what she's talking about. The montages are better this season, ya?

Phoenix and Kansas City - together at last!

Disclaimer: having a six-month old competing for my attention while I'm trying to watch AI definitely hinders my ability to be snarkariffic...and to actually pay attention to every minute of the show. Plus, I have no Tivo. Whoa (sic) is me.

Kara "the new fourth judge" DioGuardi is cute and seems to know what she's talking about, but I still can't figure out who/what she is - she needs to carve out an identity/develop a signature move/something. Also, she needs to stop referring to herself as "the new fourth judge" - we know already.

Phoenix happened yesterday and yesterday is a blur. And I'll be damned if I remember any names. But here is what I do remember:

• Opening montage of previous contestants - loved. Do it again please.
  
• Paula's glasses - love 'em. want 'em
• I like the new thing of putting the contestant's occupation on their bio banner during their audition (that is new, isn't it?).
  
• bikini girl - Would she have made it through if she'd worn braids, a gingham shirt and overalls? For sure Kara "the new fourth judge" wouldn't have gotten her panties in a wad. Sure, I also hate it when women use their flesh to distract (straight) men from being able to make a sober decision. Ryan was so not interested.
  
• There were some peeps I liked, but I didn't take names - I'll find some examples and get back to ya.

Kansas City was just now and, on account of my under-the-weatheredness and giving Nico a bath at the beginning, there is additional blurriness. Here's what I've got:

• G - stop being a hater. You know I heart Jason Castro and so, natch, I might have a soft spot for his bro, who isn't as cute as he is for the record.
• I dug the David Cook shout-outs/montage/homage. I almost forgot how much I loved him.
  
• I about died when the one guy did the Tally Hall song ("Banana Man"). Of course Simon didn't know it, but I love that the guy did, even though he did Tally Hall no favors by butchering the hell out of it. For the record, I've seen Tally Hall live twice and think they're all that.
• The guy with the dead wife made me sad and I'm glad that he sang well and got a goldenrod sheet of paper from a printer in need of a new toner cartridge.
  
• Is Simon nicer this season? I hope not.
• Dude(s). Please tell me my ears were deceiving me when a really homely guy was wearing a medal around his neck that he was awarded in elementary school.
• No more beggars please. We know you want it, but no is no.
  

By the time the Top 24 rolls around, I'll have Nico trained.
See you next week!

I forgot about Wednesday

I'm catching the last half hour.
I had read a spoiler somewhere that Jason Castro's bro made it to Hollywood. Unbelievable.

If your own MOTHER doesn't think you can sing....

The judges say no, and the hopeful launches immediately into another song. This happens A LOT. What is up with that??

Dennis with the goggles gets a quick round trip to Hollywood, along with bikini chick.

"Minnie Ripperton" just keeps singing right through the judges' comments. Classic.

Lil Rounds. Tornado victim. Charming and disarming. Top 12?

What are we thinking of Kara so far? I'm still on the fence.
The teasers for the weeks to come are drenched in drama. Yes!!

Heather's thoughts

So I was running back and forth from the kitchen attending to my stir fry, thinking that the TiVo was getting everything. Turns out it was recording 90210. Bummer.

So I have this one thought aside from hating the bikini chick (though I think it's nice of them to fly her to LA, only to send her back immediately to whatever stripper job she has waiting) : I think the addition of Kaaaaaaaaaaaara makes Paula even crazier, perhaps because she's so terrified she'll be replaced.

"I like you. You have shiny hair and a mouth that makes words, and also? You are wearing feathers." Everyone wins!

Phoenix auditions. Part II.

"I'm 22 years old, I'm from Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm 22 years old." Please, Elijah. Stop.

What is with Paula's hair!?

Lea Marie: Nice. Hat.
(Do you like my hat? I do not like your hat. Good-bye. Good-bye.)

Mmm, a husky alto. Stevie's voice reminds me of Karen Carpenter's.

Michael the oil rig dude is a pleasant surprise.

Bikini chick needs to rein in the melisma. Ryan seemed so into that kiss (snicker).

Sexual Chocolate. Really.
"Thank you, Sexual." Nice one, Simon.

Briana was fine. Good call, Simon.

I love the horror-movie editing in Cody's segment. hee hee

I like Alex because he seems smart and funny. Not to mention, you know, the singing thing.

I can't help it. I love it when they stitch together a whole song from a ton of really bad auditions. They obviously set these up by teaching the same song to entire stadia of singers, but I don't care. I'm easily entertained.

Phoenix auditions. Part I.

I like Tuan's ROTC dancing.

I don't like Barracuda chick as much as they did.

Did rocker-dude Randy just say that this experience will change his life "tremmensely"?

I like JB.

Oh, dear. Michael. No lad deserves this kind of exposure.

I like Paula's glasses.

I understand the people who think they are great singers but are merely okay. I understand (sort of) the people who know they are crazy and are just hoping to get on tv for their 15 minutes of fame. I suppose I even understand the people who know they'll never make it but come out for the experience even though they can't sing. But I really don't get the ones who are absolutely horrible and actually seem to think they are phenomenal singers. Where does such delusion come from? So sad.

Arianna gets the heartwarming background package. Are they setting us up for greatness, or heartbreak?

When do we get to hear some of those other finalists sing??