Sing what you want night!

It’s been awhile since I snarked here. My life has lately been filled with RuPaul’s Drag Race, Petula Clark, and research papers. However, I am back and snarkier than ever!

I’m watching AI via Tivo now so I can fast forward through all the wasted time. (I would have watched it live, but Twlight arrived today, so I had to watch that first. Don’t judge me.)

Anoop… Yo, Dawg. Did he keep that jacket from Michael Jackson week? I wish there wasn’t a live audience. They don’t need to boo or cheer. It’s more annoying than Anoop’s performance. I thought backup singers sounded awful here, too.

Sleeve Girl…This song is kind of boring, and the vibrato is doing nothing for me. She sounds a little Regina Spekterish. She just followed the cameras with her eyes. I think I drink now. Booooooooooooooo! I want to see a smackdown between Kara and the audience. It makes me nervous when I agree with the judges.

American Idol stars in concert in Boise? April 24? It’s tempting.

Gokey… I have a feeling Paula is going to be a mess by the end of this song. What the hell? Paula is bobbing her head like she’s headbanging to this song. He’s one of those singers whose head might explode when he hits certain notes. I notice a touch of Bryan Adams. “From the first note to the cadence…” Maybe I don’t know what cadence means, but I don’t think it means what Paula thinks it does. Everybody hump Gokey’s leg now!

Allison… what’s with the teenage girl lucky voice? It’s very Miley Cyrus and Rachel Ray? Is there something that happens to girls’ voices that cause this? I’ve had a cold this last week, so I sound kind of raspy. Maybe I’m becoming a teenage girl? I like this song, and I like the rock twist she’s putting on it. She’s got a big voice for being so young.

I don’t like Scott’s hair. It’s a bit too puffy. The song was fine. I still don’t really dig him.
I wish the judges would stop bickering. It’s distracting me from my own snark.
Matt… I have no idea what he is saying. This may or may not be what I sound like when I’ve been drinking. “Loshandimsecuryafoumelyingothflor….”

Oh, Lil. I’m fascinated by the wigs, but I’m not so fascinated by the notes that are off. And again, the distracting backup singers! The canned backup vocals at the Petula Clark concert were less distracting!

When there isn’t a theme, the show is just boring.

Okay, audience. Now they’re just booing whenever they want. If a judge said, “I don’t like Chicken McNuggets,” the audience would boo.

Adam… Interesting he’s keeping this hair do. I think it’s better when he looks like a rooster. Did he just rub his hand across his crotch? He certainly knows how to scream… I mean play to the audience. At what point does his style become screaming and not singing?

Paula’s going to bust out of her top. Kara: “It was like Studio 57 up there.” I don’t get this allusion. I just googled it, and it could be anything from a production company to a salon to some guy’s MySpace page.

Kris is my favorite of the evening. Maybe it’s because I like the song? Maybe it’s because he’s dreamy? (I don’t care that he and his wife cook in matching aprons.) I don’t know about that last note that came with a bit of a gopher face, but it was still good.

I just turned AI off to find this horrible Osbournes show. Oh… my…God.

does Idol always ruin Motown?

I have a lousy Idol memory -- do they always suck at Motown? I like a lot of Motown and always initially think you can't screw it up too much, but other than Adam and Allison this whole night was either downright bad or boring as hell.

I'd send Blind Guy or Spazzy Tattoo Gal home first, but won't complain if Oil Rigger goes instead. It'd better not be Allison.

Why didn't anyone mention what an Elvis vibe Adam had going on?

Somebody's smokey, but it's not any of the singers.

That’s nice they gift-wrapped Paula. She wants to see them “challenge their artistic integrity” tonight. What does that even mean?

Matt: My guess is that they will not compare him to JT this week because he’s not wearing a hat. Annnnnnd, I’m right. He was fine, but it was definitely a cover, not his spin on things. Paula says “your riffs are not whorish,” essentially. They are classy and tasteful, and who is she backhandedly slamming here?

Moppet: I want him to put a baby in me.

The Blind Guy: Someone in wardrobe is having a laugh with him tonight. I wish Phil Collins was singing this. Or Phil Donohue. Anybody else. This is actually bad, not just the usual boring. It’s funny because he doesn’t know what pink looks like!

Anoop!: That was fairly forgettable.

Spaz: Oof, that was trainwreck and there’s no Influenza B (are they a new sponsor or something?) to blame this time. Perhaps that’s what Paula was mainlining two weeks ago?

Oil rigger: Ick. This could not be stiffer or less soulful.

Li’l Rounds: She sounds strained and all over the place. She’s a better singer than this. She looks terrific, though. I agree with Randy that this sounded rushed.

Adam: He’s having a Zac Efron moment, but I love this. But I loved him last week, too. “I have six words for you: one of the best performances of the night.” That’s eight, if anyone is counting. “You’re not a rocker, whatever.” –Randy. Out of the mouths of babes, all that.

Dead Wife: Is he the second coming of Taylor Hicks, or what?

Allison: The only person to own a song tonight. Brava, miss.

Going home: Spaz or Oil rigger. Or The Blind Guy, if a girl could wish, in which case there’d be a pony in my living room right now. I adore how freaked out Kara is by this performance. OH MY GOD, Paula has a pen mustache on her face. She and Simon are either smoking peyote or doing it. Possibly both.

Paula's Paisley Bodice... not to mention what's under her skirt

Matt: If Kara says "package" it might not be out of line this time.

Hal Mraz: We all know my tastes are really vanilla, but I think this perf is just very appealing.

Blind Boy: Or is that bland boy? He's flat. And boring. Bleh. (Oh, hey -- Simon gets on board!)

So far, all of Smokey's advice has been -- That's great. Do that. Wow. Good job. Don't change anything. Thanks, Smokey -- that's really helpful.

Megan: wtf that hair?!? that dress?!? that arrangement?!? I think I heard Tennille do this arrangement on her old variety show with the Captain.

Kumar Brady: Eww, baby baby. Didn't do it for me.

Check out Paula's paisley bodice. Hey, that would be a good name for a band/blog.

Roughneck: Go, beefy boys. He's not great, but I think he's safe another week or two. (Ooh, the "I'm having fun" and the "I'm being true to myself" defenses, together! drink drink!)

Little: wtf that hair?!? that dress?!? She's got a killer voice, but this seems a little manic, a little rote.

I'm getting tired of Kara's squinty analytical face.

Anime Goth Jonas: goes all Chris Isaak. Love the look. Love the arrangement. LOVE that last note. (I want to hear him sing LOW and growl-y one of these days....)

Ghoulish Widower: I can barely even look at him, he creeps me out so bad. Barf.

Funk Muppet: Jeez, she's SIXTEEN. No fear.

Going home: Megan

Country night with Randy Travis! Or is it Lyle Lovett? I'm confused.

The judges enter, and Paula looks disturbingly solid on her feet.

Oilrigger: It sounds just like a country song! Or a Ford F150 commercial, at least. I don’t think it did anything to show off his voice, but he’ll probably sail through to next week.

Allison Iraheta: Wow. That really sounds like a country song. Do not like. But her voice sounded great. Oh goodie, Paula is starting to look teary and incoherent. Her speech makes me think she’s letting her down already: don’t worry you that you won’t win, you will have a career in the music business. Randy thinks it’s DOPE! Why can’t Randy always be this succinct?

Tender dawg: This doesn’t sound like a country song to me. It’s just boring and his voice sounded weak in places. I prefer him dancing behind a guitar he’s fake-playing. And Simon seems to have a man-crush on him. Huh. Why do all of the judges love this?

Local news is featuring a story on how an XBOX almost lost a family their lives.

Li’l Rounds: This felt off to me. Paula is complimenting her outfit: DRINK!

Jazzy Hands: Randy Travis’ discomfort with him is awesome. Back away from the boy in the nail polish. Okay, this is crazy and awesome. And his vocal control is fantastic. Please tell me he is going to sing Jeff Buckley at some point this season, because I think he could do him justice. The swaybots have to be completely confused at this point. He evokes Freddie Mercury for me, just because he’s not afraid to tackle crazy arrangements.

How great does Paula’s rack look tonight?

Blind guy: Booooooooooooooring. Uh oh, Paula and Simon are fighting. They’re totally sleeping together.

Alexis: I love this song. Why do they even let them start on the stairs? So cheesy. This was alright.

Dead wife: Blech. Really, Paula? Brilliant? I disagree.

Anoop! I like him. I’m voting for him, and I don’t care what anyone says, la la la! I thought he kind of killed this.

Tweaker: Wow, Randy Travis just loves everything. As long as it’s not being sung by a gay man wearing nail polish. She sounds someone trying to imitate a Jamaican accent. This is awful. Holy god, I think Randy is wrong: this was a train wreck. Ohhhh, she has the flu. I don’t sound like a Jamaican when I have the flu. Perhaps she's has some exotic variety.

Local news story teaser about an autistic boy who “nearly got crushed in a garbage crusher.” Maybe he was playing Xbox prior to that?

Matt Giraud: Nice. Forgettable, for me.

Going home: Oilrigger or Tweaker.

Michael Jackson's music rulz

I'm really curious to see who gets voted where -- with the exception of Anoop no one was absolutely horrible. I didn't love every performance, but I thought the quality was pretty high overall.

Lil' Rounds is clearly a good singer, but this song did her no favors.

Blind Guy is pretty much the definition of fine -- he's okay, but not great or even interesting.

Danny Gokey -- I was prepared to hate on him for the overplaying of the dead wife (probably not his fault) and mawkish ballads, but I really liked this. I even thought the awkward dancing was endearing. He flat out performed that bitch!

Roughneck is another fine -- he's decent, but boring.

Just 17 will probably get voted out before she picks a song that shows her to advantage. She needs serious help projecting some personality.

Kris Allen -- I really enjoyed this, he's certainly adorable, but I honestly can't remember a single previous performance.

Burgundy Hair -- like Darla, I want to like her but didn't particularly care for this song one way or the other.

Anoop -- awful. If we go by performance, this is definitely the worst of the night. I can't see how anyone in the universe could do Beat It without completely redoing it (like the version of Billie Jean David Cook did last year). I suspect he'd survive the cut if they went by vote totals this week (and not the judges) -- there were several decent but forgettable performances by people who don't have the mad fan love Anoop seems to have.

Puerto Rican Guy -- I thought this was a perfect pick for him, but then I think he's completely schmaltzy.

Megan -- she's got an interesting tone, but she's also got a lot of annoying vocal tics. Not to mention her movement around the stage is horrifying. This doesn't seem like a good venue to insist on being anti-commercial, and how else do you explain Rockin' Robin?

Adam -- I'm still enjoying him, though I suspect I'll end up hating him in a few weeks. He can donate his stylist allotment to Kris Allen, who needs some sartorial assistance.

Matt -- he could also use some wardrobe help, but vocally he's good. Last week I thought he was really good, but couldn't remember what he'd done before -- and again I can't even remember what he did last week.

Alexis -- overall I like it; she would've done better to just stand still and focus on the vocals.

It's the Simon and Paula show, featuring lots of alcohol!

The judges enter in a very Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome introduction . . . love it. Then they announce (DUN DUN DUN!) that two people will be going home!

Li'l Rounds: I actually felt like this song wasn't big enough for her voice, and while I love her, I was just sort of meh about this performance. I love that Paula complimented her on wearing a soft color, then told her to stick to dark colors one minute later. And really Paula? Her falsetto sounds like an angel? YAY PAULA IS HIGH AS A KITE.

Blind Guy: He is so boring. I feel like if they made the movie Heathers now they would use this song instead of Teenage Suicide--Don't Do It. Really, Paula? Norway? I love her tonight. I'd also like the phone number of her physician.

Dead Wife: PYT I'm not so hot on this arrangement--it makes him seem really stodgy and white, like a nerdy Michael McDonald (oh hey, Simon just said it too!). And he stole Taylor Hicks' awful tush push! Oh jeez, Paula is crying already. Maybe she's actually coming down off of something?

Oil Rigger: Meh. He can sing, but this was boring. Did Simon just pull a Paula and congratulate his effort? Does Paula look puffy? Did she get work done and maybe she's working off the anesthesia? And where did this song place on the charts in Norway?

She's Just 17! I love that she's that singing a Jackson 5 song. It fits her youth. And she's okay. Just okay.

Moppet: Remember the Time. He looks pretty comfortable on that stage and I like him, though I couldn't say why. He's not doing anything new or interesting, but he's cute! Paula is getting belligerent. And Simon makes so much sense--why do they boo him when he says things that are true?

Allison Iraheta: OH MY GOD she sings at the grocery store. I love her. She's so good on stage. Paula must have blacked out watching the video when she states that started singing at age 5. "You must have started singing at age 2, but how will we ever know?"

Anoop! I'm so nervous, hearing the opening notes. It's karaoke for me (and Paula agrees!). And his jacket doesn't have enough zippers.

Is that Ryan's nana? Whose nana is that? I love that she's talking up Randy.

The Heartthrob: I started off not liking it and now I think he's the dreamiest thing ever. I liked it, even if the judges didn't.

The Spaz: MJ wrote this song? I'm so confused. She is so adorable. Oh my god, did she Caw! Caw! at the end? And why is Gordon Ramsey there?

Jazzy Hands: Paula: "I don't even see the stage." Definitely mescalin, then. I'm not crazy about him because I think he belongs on Broadway, not on the radio.

Hat for Fashion (who is this guy, again?): Oh, I love this song. I thought he was just okay.

Alexis: I love this song choice, and I love that she didn't change the words to make it more gender appropriate. Are we running out of time? The judges are being so brief.

Going home: Anoop! and Oil Rigger. Or maybe 17.

I am thankful that Kara dropped the whole "package" broken record and that someone pickled Paula. God, she's good TV.

Unlucky number 13

What’s with the lighting? Are they trying to imitate Iron Chef? And was the cameraperson drunk when s/he zoomed on Ryan? Was Paula in rare form or what? Just when you think she can’t get any more wasted or any less articulate – blammo! – she proves you wrong.

Lil – She’s awesome, but I wonder about her range.

Scott – Paula sez: “It’s nice to finally see you with your instrument at your fingertips” – this made beer come out of my nose.

Danny – No mention of the dead wife this time. I’ve heard that it’s having a negative impact on viewer perception of him. He kinda rocked that, though, and that’s what counts.

Michael – His ballad was snoozy and I find him forgettable.

Jasmine – It was better than I thought it’d be. Her little brother is cute.

Kris – I didn’t see the point of him having his guitar. It was completely drowned out by the band. I want to like him more than I do, but I don’t.

Allison – I still dig her and I like her style, but this performance was just a little better than alright. It didn’t wow me.

Anoop – Poor Anoop-Dog. That was kinda suckariffic.

Jorge – That wasn’t as bad as the judges are trying to lead us to believe it is. Plus, he’s adorable.

Megan – I really wanted to like this because I like her, but this didn’t do much for me. It just seemed incongruous and I also hated her outfit.

Adam – Wow! What a pimpfest! The judges like him as much as I do. Are those luggage tags hanging from Paula’s wrist? This way if she wanders off and gets lost, someone can ship her back home?

Matt – This was better than I thought it’d be. Go figure. I find him uninteresting.

Alexis – I love her. She totally rules. I like that she’s got the sultry angle going, although I suspect that that is how she got herself pregnant. Sweet – Kara wants to have some hot girl-on-girl action with Alexis. Why does she have such a jacked up call in number?

Did you all see Paula batting some sort of mic or wire around her right shoulder? WTF? She’s such a tweaker. What do you suppose is the big 'ole surprise for tomorrow? My guess: one person is going home because they have the lowest amount of votes and the other one who is going home is the judges' choice.

Going home: Anoop and Jorge or Megan (if my above prediction is correct, it'll be Jorge)

I wish Kara would stop talking about my "package."

Von Smith: You know, I didn't think this was that bad (I can't even remember what he sang now) but I feel like he's going to get lost in the shuffle.

Taylor V-something-or-other: She really does look ancient. I just felt for her. She didn't seem comfortable on the stage and the singing just wasn't good enough to get her through another week.

Alex W-T: Wow. I think he's adorable but, good night, that was bad. The growling was unbearable.

Arianna Afsar: She's SO CUTE. Okay, this wasn't great, but I wouldn't hate to see her continue. She looks like a Latina Isla Fisher, no?

Ju'not Joyner: I don't care for this song and I fail to how this stripped-down version was a homerun. I think he could go through, just because the male performances on this ep were such stinkers.

Kristen McNamara: Karaoke. Snore.

Nathaniel Marshall: I'm so over him and his ridiculous headbands. And I hate it when people put all that metal shit in their face. But good for him for singing Meatloaf. Left field, all that.

Felicia Barton: I like her. A lot. I liked this performance and I want her to continue.

Blind guy: This guy has bored me from Day 1, but the swaybots seem to love him.

Kendall Beard: I think we have enough diminutive blond country singers already (and one bigger one, amiright J Simp? ZING!). I liked her prom dress but that song STUNK.

Jorge Nunez: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" Paula and Kara fawning over him cracked me up. He bores me.

Lil Rounds: I love Mary J. Blige and I loved this song. I finally *sort of* started to understand the gibberish about "telling us who you are" with this performance. I guess maybe I liked her because she could sing AND her personality really translated well. Or maybe she's just GOOD.

So what happens next? When do the wildcards get injected back into the competition? I still feel like such a newb.

the last third o' the bunch - the "Who You Are" ep.

Von - Didn't see this on account of being a mom to a baby. The recap looked kind of shouty, though.
Taylor - Did not like.
Alex - Did not like.
Arianna - Did not like.
Ju'Not - I really liked this - he worked it out.
Kristen - Does her outfit and hairstyle make her look like a porn star to anyone else? Either way, she messed up a song I like.
Nathaniel - I know he thinks he's rockin' Bowie's Aladdin Sane hair...phail. Anyone who screws up anything Bowie is automatically disqualified in my book. Ta-ta drama queen!
Felicia - I liked it better than the ones I did not like, but I do not concur with the judges re: the hoopla (hooplah?).
Scott - It was a'ight. Will he get a sympathy vote?
Kendall - I'm not a country music fan (thanks Kelly Pickler!), so I'm not qualified to weigh in on this one.
Jorge - He's sweet. I kinda like him.
Lil - Didn't really see this on account of being a mom to a teenager, though. Looks like she blew it out of the ballpark, though.

Going through: Lil, Scott or Jorge, I hope Ju'Not

The gods will throw the dice...

My ears shatter like ice...

I was going to wait until the end to blog, but holy crap, Arianna was terrible. I'm not sure any of those notes are in "The Winner Takes it All."

I wonder what the judges consider the perfect song for the perfect age. People are too young, too gloomy, too off key. They have so many standards it's almost like they work for the state department of education.

I still find I don't care about any of these people. I don't even remember most of them. Thankfully I get to be snarky tonight. I was supposed to judge a talent show, but it was canceled. Where would all of my snark have gone? I might have self combusted.

I think songs that were sung during Hollywood Week should be off limits. I feel like I've heard "Hey There, Delilah" way too much in the last month. Ju'not's not doing much to change my mind on this, d'y'know?

How many diamonds or rhinestones is Paula wearing? Does Simon actually pay attention to anything? He doesn't know Ju'not's name, he doesn't remember people from Hollywood week - he's like me. Oh.My.God.

Why am I so lukewarm on these people? Kristen certainly isn't Tracy Chapman, but she's okay... until that shriek at the end. The judges are full of backhanded compliments... or maybe just backhands? "You have a nice voice and range, but your clothing is ugly as hell." They might as well say, "Well, if that dress makes you happy..." in the way my mom would when she disapproves of something I'm doing.

Oh, Nathaniel. Cue tears and headbands! How many headbands is he wearing? I think those are headbands. Oh, Lord. That first note was bad. Does he have fangs? I can't really concentrate on his song because I am so horrified by his outfit. I wonder if my students think that about me sometimes? His grandma looks cute.

I'm distracted by Randy and Paula's watches. They're a bit OTT. And Simon's hair is driving me crazy. It's so Flowbee. And even with Paula's weirdness, at least she is the only person who actually seems to remember the audition process.

Felicia - I think I like her. I think I'm going to vote for her.

I hope Scott's brother helps guide Scott around. He's pretty. Unfortunately, I think Scott will be going home. Yo, dawg, he's a bit pitchy, yo. And now the judges will hump his leg. I'm sorry, but I don't think he was good. Are the judges talking him up so that maybe we'll have a final two of The Guy Whose Wife Died vs. The Blind Guy?

I think Kendall looks like Kristin Chenowith? Anyone? Is that allusion too Broadway? The microphone matches Kendall's mom's jacket.

Jorge's eyebrows are ridonkulous. Imagine what a stylist will do to those if he makes the final 12. I think he's singing the shit out of this song, though. Go, Jorge! Standing O from Paula! Paula is spreading her fingers like she's a vulcan. Kara is taking over the spirtual wackiness and made him cry. Wowza. Jorge's kind of precious.

Lil Rounds. Lil Brandon. I could pull it off. I'm not digging the rooster 'do, but she's got a great voice and stage presence. Damn, girl. Best performance of the night.

I just tried voting, but all lines are busy. That's cool. I must say I enjoyed the performances tonight more than I've enjoyed the last couple of weeks. On to the results show!

AI live: I may kill myself

The tivo finally died and new one doesn't get here until tomorrow, so for the first time I'm watching live. No promises that I'll get through to the end.

Ryan has a decent outfit on this week; Paula looks fairly normal fashion-wise. And I know everyone has bitched about this, but I can't help asking: what is Simon's deal with the lame shirts? This week's sweater is much better than the white t-shirts, but WTF? He's a nice enough looking guy, but I don't get the shirt profile. Or the hair, for that matter.

Von Smith: Why do all the kids wear knit hats these days? Damn, I'm old. Does AI do photo shoots with a red pickup every year? Seems familiar. I'm not sure very white people should sing songs with "sho nuf" in the lyrics. Pretty good overall. Nice red shoes. Finger, drink.

I like the e-Trade talking babies. Almost as good as talking animals.

Taylor V-something-or-other: This girl is 17 but looks a good 27 at least. Are her tights leather? This song is too big for her -- it's okay, but not interesting or great. Fingers.

Alex W-T: Oh dear. I don't remember this kid, but Simon was right -- horrible. This is as uncomfortable as I've ever been watching Idol. This may be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I think we're going to have to change the drinking rule to when they DON'T do the fingers.

Arianna Afsar: Abba. What's left to say after that? Has anyone ever just freaked out in the middle of a performance and run off stage? That's what I thought she might do for the first 30 seconds, and it would've been best if she had. Ghastly.

Whoever picks the songs for iPod commercials is a frakking genius -- I don't like a whole lot of stuff, but I almost always find the stuff they choose catchy.

Ju'not Joyner: Snore. The judges liked it -- maybe I just don't like the song.

Kristen McNamara: Something about this girl bothers me, I don't know exactly what. I absolutely love "Gimme One Reason"; this version, not so much. Way too much from the judges on her looks tonight.

Nathaniel Marshall: I can't stand this kid and his wacky headbands. Or this performance. BTW, exactly what is it that the singer won't do for love? I've always wondered.

Felicia Barton: She's way oversinging, but Paula's standing up, so someone liked it. Even her baby doesn't like it!

Blind guy: Never liked this song, and this performance isn't changing my mind. If Simon doesn't call this karaoke, he's just being nice to the blind dude. Wow, the judges loved him -- maybe it's just me, or my dislike of the song overwhelms everything else. Whoa, Scott gives the high five back to Ryan -- now I kind of like him.

Kendall Beard: Country.

Jorge Nunez: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- sigh.

Lil Rounds: I'm not totally sold on the song, but she's good.

I can't say that I care who gets through out of this bunch -- it might be just being annoyed at spending an entire two hours watching. Definitely Lil Rounds; otherwise I'd say maybe Jorge and blind guy?