for your SYTYCD pleasure

Since there's no SYTYCDatry, this guy does a nice recap:

hitfix.com

So You Think You Can Snark

If anyone is still checking in, this blog is now being temporarily re-purposed for the summer. Bring your best snark to the joy that is SYTYCD.

Have you caught up with all the recaps and interviews over at Idolatry? Adam's interviews are so charming. He comes off as so much more "Christian" than Gokey, to no one's surprise. I think at least a little tiny bit of his amiability must be carefully crafted image control and marketing, but you can't completely fake that for 20 minutes of straight interview -- I think the guy is just sweet, down-to-earth, and likable. For real.

Now a little retro snark. Everyone gives David Cook credit for changing up Idol and bringing crazy offbeat arrangements to the stage, forcing everyone else to up their game. Okay, fair enough. But didn't Blake do a good bit of that the season before?? I'm thinking Time of the Season, or You Give Love a Bad Name. Just sayin'.

So. Who do you like on SYTYCD so far? Are you as irritated as I am that they wasted all that time on Sex and that stupid dance-off instead of showing us more great dancing? Weren't those Utah hip-hop brothers about the most adorably, unselfconsciously bromantic duo ever? I've watched Nathan's (red shorts, black socks) audition about six times now... and then he's not old enough!! What's that song he's dancing to? Love it. And then there's Shakiro....

I really like tap dancing. And I adore Kat Deely. And if you haven't watched the Glee pilot yet, go download it NOW.

Really?

I'm deflated. I love Kris (have I mentioned I want him to put a baby in me? Really? No?) but Adam was robbed.

better boobies

I'm glad Pauler's got some support tonight for the twins -- last night I was worried they were resting on her lap.

I still love Norman.

How did Lil Rounds get anywhere again?

Mercury in retrograde

This is actually a comment to Gregory's post and Lisa's comment. Damn Mercury is in retrograde and when I tried to post my comment, it wouldn't post. For the record, this is the fourth computer-related issue I've had today (one in which my laptop may or may not have had a fast, yet painful, death). Also, Jillynn's breast pump malfunctioned. Just say'n.


I like most of the stripped downedness EXCEPT lack of cheesy group numbers and contestant background/hobby info. I agree with Lisa about the duets and that the judges need to be shushed and stop hogging up the spotlight.

I'll be happy with either winner - I genuinely like them both, but I'm a an Adam fan at heart. Jillynn pegged it tonight when she said that Adam reminds her of David Bowie. Speaking of which, my spoiler source says there are rumors of Bowie performing on the finale, but she doesn't think it's true (but if it were, how fabulous would that be???) - same rumor re: KISS.

More spoiler news: confirmed performers include David Cook, Queen Latifa, Black Eyed Peas, Carlos Santana, Keith Urban, Lionel Richie, Jason Mraz, Cyndi Lauper.

I want Kara to go away. I want Randy to stay. I heart Simon and think that Paula makes for excellent tv.

Win-Win

Both of these guys are so likeable, so pitch-perfect (literally and metaphorically), so genuinely humble and talented and entertaining, that I'm not feeling any angst at all. At this point I honestly have no preference.

Randy looks quirky-dressy. Kara looks fine. Simon looks sharp and distinguished.
Paula: Too much beach time during the freak heat-wave, or tanning bed disaster? The frosty lip-gloss is nice, but the neon green satin??

Gokey is sporting the Cowell t-shirt look. Blrg.

Mad World - Wow, how does he sing so cleanly so consistently? - pure and perfect.
Adam has such a sweet smile; I can totally picture that spazzy six-year-old.

Ain't No Sunshine - what a cool arrangement, delivered with such confidence.
Kris's humble, abashed look after Simon's compliments made me well up!

Adam does the Blues! Have we heard him do something like this before? Nice!

(I am so pumped for Glee. It better not let me down.)
Am I supposed to know all these audience members they keep showing in and out of breaks? No, I'm not talking about Anthony Hopkins.

This is my favorite Kris: jazzy, jangly acoustic guitar; jeans and t-shirt; smooth, effortless crooning.

(Just an aside: Did this season seemed more serious and stripped down to you? No two-hour episodes, no Idol Gives Back, no ridiculous lingering on the guest mentors' lives and projects. Fewer silly group numbers, fewer interviews in the Coca-Cola staging area [or whatever they call that place], fewer interminable video packages about hobbies and hometowns. I liked that we were a little more focused on just the singing this year. Or am I completely wrong?)

Aaaggghh! The return of the air-clapping swaybots!
Kara's song is Krap.
How cute are the boys, giving each other side-hugs and props at the end of the show?

Any spoilers about surprise guests tomorrow, anyone???

highlarious

Place your bids!

Tears

Why is it that Gokey bothers me so much? I'm sure he really is a nice guy, but I have actually no feeling for him whatsoever. During his "Gokey Day" reel, I could have cared less. But during Kris's and Glambert's reels, I was teary. Something that seemed to stand out in their reels was the amount of little kids who were so excited to see them. I don't even particularly like little kids, but I thought this was incredibly touching.

I had totally forgotten about Jordin Sparks. I can't say I tried to remember anything about why I might have liked her since I fast forwarded through her performance. And I'm sure Katy Perry was great with all the Vegas stuff, but I breezed by.

As people can imagine, I am more than thrilled for my boyfriend and Glambert.

Yes we Kanye!

Gokey can not scat. Gokey can not dance. And yet Paula calls him magic. Twice. Lisa's comparing Gokey to Hicks is apropos, since Gokey is copping dance moves from the Taylor squat-and-bounce. Why ARE the judges so Danny-delirious?? Do they think he will sell records?? Gokey, shut up while Ryan is trying to give America your digits. No, wait; just SHUT UP, period.

I'm getting really excited for Glee. Because I'm a choir nerd who loved HSM. Sue me.
Oh, snap. Simon insulted "that dance show" and the head judge of SYTYCD is in the audience!

I like Kris more than I like this song. The melody line is too static to let him show off much. Kara says it's "competent." Bitch.

Simon and Bono are phone friends. Neat.

Even when Adam is standing perfectly still, he's still dramatic!!! It's like he's doing the melancholy reflective sad turning-point ballad in some big-budget West End musical.

Fast forwarded through charity bit. Stopped for SYTYCD promo.
You're so shallow, Greg Brady.

"You Are So Beautiful" ??? blrg. Okay, I really like the arrangement. Gokey does much better in man clothes sitting on a stool than he does in boy clothes trying to dance. "I'm not gonna over-analyze things." Are you kidding me?? That's all he does! SHUT UP.

Kris does Kanye! OH YEAH!! Man, that was gutsy and COOL. If voters are paying attention to the singing (and not the judges' incomprehensible Gokey-pimping), Kris just might have a shot.

Aero Glambert makes it look so effortless. Don't like the song, don't like the screaminess, don't like his tongue... and I still like the performance. He looks ready for this to be over.

Do we like Kara's flat hair tonight?

I think it's still anybody's game. I'm making no predictions.
Shallow AND gutless.

Judges are watching a different show

WTF is up with the judges and Gokey? A "masterclass"? The only masterclass Gokey can teach is in douchebaggery. I still can't get over the fact that he survived the massacre of Dream On (and acting like a prima donna during his "duet"); that Alison got sent home after a perfectly capable version of Cry Baby (A Woman Left Lonely would've been my Janis choice for her) and a rockin' duet is still chapping my butt. But comparing him to Terence Trent D'Arby? Holy craphat.

I can't say as I thought any of the judges' picks performances were that great; but Kris' second song (Heartbreaker?) was flat out FANTASTIC. To this point I thought he was aight, but that was da bomb. For me, for you. Dude.

I wasn't that excited by Adam's Cryin', even though I love the song. But I'm willing to overlook a so-so interpretation because I suspect it was a giant fuck you to Gokey -- you can't hack Aerosmith, dickwad? Here's your Aerosmith!

I'm once again utterly too emotionally invested in this damn show. I almost hope Gokey wins so they can have another Taylor Hicks level dud on their hands.

Brandon, thanks for the pointer to Idolatry at EW -- I'm obsessive about it now, and followed Michael Slezak's liveblogging of last week's results show.

That's my boy!

I was nervous for Kris after last night, so imagine the girlish squeal I let out when he was named to the top three. Glambert was no surprise, but I am kind of surprised about Glasses Gokey. Yes, he was championed all season, but last night's performance wasn't so great. I thought Allison was at least a bit in her element with the rock sound. However, now I can just hope the Ghoulish Widower goes home next week, so that I'll be fine with whomever wins. It was at about this time last season that I stopped caring completely. Actually, that's a lie. I stopped caring after Carly Smithson was booted, and I could have cared less about the Davids.

But I digress.

I Tivoed most of tonight's show. I did happen to stop during Paula's performance. I wish I hadn't. It's nice that her face was in shadow most of the time so no one could see bad lip synching.

Gregory mentioned what kinds of albums these people will release. It's obvious I'm not interested in Gokey's, but of course I wish him well. (I'm not a complete asshole.) Kris would definitely have a Jack Johnson vibe which would be fine. But I agree about Adam. I don't know what his album would be, and I'm not sure I want an album that is full os the high notes. I think that would get old. But ultimately here's the deal. No matter how much I like someone during the season, I rarely buy any of their music post season. While I have Kelly Clarkson CDs and one of Carrie Underwood's, they've been given to me (legally... ahem). I bought Katharine McPhee's first recording (of Over the Rainbow), but her album was nothing like she seemed on the show, so I avoided the actual release. So, will I buy this music even thought I've wasted months of my life rooting people on? Unlikely.

Karagasms

Love Adam. Loved the duet concept. Loved the duet with Adam and Allison.

Sorry, Brandon, but I think your loverboy Kris might be going home. But only on account of this not being his, as Pauler would say, JONruh (they should ask her to spell 'genre' some time, just to see what happens). I honestly think that Danny bit it more than Kris did, but there are too many voters out there hoping to be his next dead wife.

What was up with Ryan telling Simon to "put the lighter away" like five times? That was code, right?

I had something funny to say, but I forgot what it was. Stoopid cold medicine.

In what is undoubtedly the most un-rock and roll thing Slash has ever done . . .

Slash! I think he scares Danny.

Adam: Eff yeah, he's singing Led Zeppelin! I love this song. At the top it sounds a little *too* much like Robert Plant. My only complaint is that he should be dripping sex when he sings this song and I'm not sure he's doing it for me. But CHEESE AND CRACKERS this kid can sing.

Allison: I really wish she had chosen to sing Grace Slick. She sounds great, but I feel like we've heard this from her before. Oh Kara, it's like you're in costume! Third grade me loves it. Allison is so composed for someone her age. I hope she has a career after this. I feel bad for Gokey and Kris, having to follow these two.

I LOVE DUETS. They both sound strained, no? Yikes, Kris sounds sorta bad. Do you think Kara stopped with the "package" gibberish because she got so thoroughly called out that night? Paula's rack looks terrific tonight. She should stick with whoever taped them tonight.

Kris: Come together. I wouldn't have chosen this song. My guess is the judges will say the same. I'm underwhelmed, though I'd still like him to put a baby in me. Simon says it was "rather like eating ice for lunch." We have been sadly lacking in these kind of analogies all season.

Danny is going to sing Dream On! I'm curious if he'll be able to pull this off, as this is another song where the proverbial cock needs to be out. Gokey has zero sex appeal, so color me skeptical. His voice sounds half gone--I'm guessing because of practicing that ending. OUCH. I hate this. Awful, awful, awful. Dream on, indeed.

Duet! Slow Ride! This is *so* Allison and Adam's show, letting them bookend like this. I'm all goosebumpy. I want these two to go on tour and just do this all night. Their unbridled giddiness is adorable.

Going home: Kris or Allison, sadly. The poor girl can't seem to catch a break.

I'm sorry I've been so absent--everyone's snark has been so great and comment-worthy and I've been swamped with house buying stuff. It's hard being an HGTV star-wannabe.

Now things get messy

No, I'm not talking about Paula's behavior or Randy's comments or Kara's squinty analytical face or Simon's increasingly bad haircut....

Who's going home this week?? I'd be voting for GhoulishWidower in a heartbeat, but I know he has a huge following, which might mean KutieKris or RockerMoppet. Or heck, even Glambert, since he was in the bottom three last week.

Can't we just have Kris, Allison, and Adam sing fun songs for us, week after week?

SOUL PATROL!

I feel bad for whoever had to clean up the kitchen. Somehow that food fight had scripted written all over it.

Woah. Paula's boobs are certainly perky tonight.

Re: Gokey's glasses. How does someone afford so many pairs of glasses? I'm glad to have some insurance that helps me buy new glasses every couple of years. I don't think these are dollar store glasses.

I'm nervous if Kris has to stand by Matt. Obviously whichever side Adam goes to will be the safe side. I don't even know why I'm watching right now. AI is going to play with my emotions for the next 45 minutes. Woah. Adam's in the bottom three. Cue shocked expressions from everyone. Would it be crazy if Adam is sent home, and the judges wasted their save on Matt?

Oh... my... God. "My mouth went open again. That's what happens." Oh, Kara. You didn't.

I wonder if Natalie Cole likes sharing the marquee with Taylor Hicks. They seem like different calibers of performers. SOUL PATROL! I'm still shocked he won season five.

I just clapped like a seal. Yay Kris!

Goodbye, Matt. Maybe Natalie Cole could come back and sing "Unforgettable"... oh wait. That goes against everything I said in my last post. Awww, I do feel bad for him. He's crying. Sad tears.

On to next week with the legendary Slash. Good times. Hard core.

Deeeeeep as a Reeeeeever

Thank God for Tivo. I was too busy watching Anne Boleyn get her head chopped off in season two of "The Tudors" to watch AI last night.

I must have a different idea of "good" than the judges. Everyone knows I have a crush on Kris, so it should be no surprise that his performance made me feel funny in tummy. I just think his voice is smooooooth. Most judges agreed; Simon, of course, thinks he can't win.

Then, bring on Allison. She has been the dark horse of the season, and I loved her performance. Most judges agreed, Simon told her she was in trouble. Meanwhile, the judges - specifically Randy and Kara - have complete lost control of standard English. "Don't let nobody blah blah" and "Blah blah ain't blah blah. (Did Kara almost snap her fingers and bob her head?)

And then Gokey arrives. I'm sorry. I actually liked the first part of the song, but then I thought he turned into a drunk wedding singer. And what did the judges think? The best, the winner, blah blah. Come on, people! Kara mentioned diction to the one of the contestants. Let's talk about pronunciation here. "Deeeeeep as a reeeeeeeever." Reeeeeeever? Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaly?

Wait. I forgot about what's his face who also got a rave from the judges. He was forgettable I literally forgot him!

And Adam arrives. I don't know if the Rat Pack ever sang this. Maybe Nina Simone was in the rat pack? Just because Michael Buble sings it doesn't make him a part of the rat pack. There's some Freddie Mercury-ish about his performance tonight. The swagger down the stairs? The bedroom eyes? I want to love him, but I get tired of the Screamy McScreamerson quality.

Randy's comment: "A little too theatrical... a little too Broadway." Why doesn't he just say what he's thinking. "The performance was gay." (And not in the stupid way my students use the word to mean "dumb." Literally, it was a performance I would see at a pride event.)

And I believe the ladies may have had an orgasm over his performance.

I don't know who's going home. I'm afraid for Kris and Allison because of Simon's comments, but I hope the forgettable one is booted. He was too pitchy, dawg. Okay, his name is Matt. It just came on the screen again.

Gatsby had a cell phone

Yes, it's true. I have prioritized my own fatigue and child-rearing over blogging these past few weeks. But I HAVE been watching! And I even took a few notes the other night, but didn't have a chance to post until after the results and then wondered if my commentary was still relevant...what would Pauler say? Would Pauler tell me that I'm relevant? I learned about relevance in librarian action-figure school and, honestly, I don't think my post-results commentary would cut the mustard/be a strike given their anachronistic nature. But, hey! Sometimes Romans wear wristwatches, right?

Word on the street is that there is Pauler contract drama in happy Coke-cup land. Please oh please, Pauler, stay and utter nonsensical jibberish and clap your hands like a toddler. You are such good tv and you singlehandedly make the AI drinking game well worth playing.

Lil/"Little" (borrowed Simon-snark) is a goner. She should have done a Donna Summer song - she even had a Donna Summer hairdo - all she needed were some spangly pants and good coke...how hard can those be to come by in Hollywood? (answer: not at all).

Kris: What Kara said. I loved it - we've got a hot one in the house (and I don't even want to hump his leg). OMG, did Pauler just call him a transvestite? That's golden. He seemed to take it pretty well, too. I like him even more now. I think this is the first time I've been way jazzed about his performance - yay Kris! (plus I love that he spells his name the girl's way).

I love how many contetants are pulling a David Cook and drastically changing up the arrangements in crazy-ass ways - makes it less boring, even when it doesn't work so well (hi Anoop!).

Gokey: if I'd blogged about him last week (or was it the week prior?), I'd have pointed out how he glanced skyward at the end of his rendition of Endless Love. Talk about milking the dead wife! That was just downright sleazy. So much so that it was a little like cheating. After all, none of the other contestants have dead wives to factor into relevant song choices. For me for you, I just don't drink the Gokey Kool-Aid - even if it had a double shot of boozeriffic and Rohypnol.

Allison: I really like her. I want her to be Nico's babysitter and sing him to sleep. She likes to rough it up. You go, girl (but don't go home).

Adam: He looks like Michael Buble tonight. I loved his performance - I heart Adam. I might consider humping his leg. If Pauler says 'relevant', I'm gonna double-drink. She felt his pain - eh, that's worth a sip. (is Pauler off the sauce tonight?)

Matt: He redeemed himself enough to last another week.

Anoop has an Oprah 'A-ha moment': "Hey, fucking with the arrangement totally worked for David Cook and he won. It's also working for Adam and he's going to win. Maybe I should do that, too!" Poor, doomed Anoop.

For the record, I did correctly predict the two booted contestants. However, I should tell you about the mean trick Jillynn played on me on results night. I was at a dance performance with Kira and was not able to watch live and in person. So I did what any self-respecting AI fan would do: I asked Jillynn to text me and tell me who goes home so that I can just peep my messages after the performance. So I get six messages with play-by-play action telling me that Adam is going home, that everyone is shocked, that Pauler is crying...for the briefest moment (okay, not really; actually for awhile) I was totally buying it.

Strikes and gutter balls

What?? I come home from a week in London and NO ONE has said a thing on Idol Snark the whole time? Just because you're all busy searching for jobs, raising babies, grading term papers, and being reality tv stars is no reason to ignore your Idol obligations. C'mon.

So, I just finished watching last night's disco party, and I'm taking a snark break before I watch tonight's results.

Lil is such a goner. They didn't even bother talking to her before her song, just launched right in as if to get it over with quickly. Yeah, it was kinda generic, but I actually thought it was pretty lively and fun. Nonetheless, the judges had their resigned sighs and disappointed comments pre-written and memorized, so all that junk inside that trunk (seriously, Lil; badonkadonk!) will almost certainly be going home, and that's probably right. Lil (defensively) reverted to the "I had fun" defense, before Simon had even had his turn to talk. Drink!

This was a delightful and surprising performance from Kris. I was just getting worried that it was too all-the-same when they dropped into that percussion break. Cool. (And speaking of cool: A plain white T? That's a lot of restraint for the styling department.) Kris might be my current favorite. I think Ryan has a little crush on him, too; they're just the right size for each other.

Gokey. Gak. He messed with all the best parts of the song, and not in a good way. And he lisps! Why do people with speech impediments make it to the finals on singing shows? Put the Go in Gokey! Please, America.

Allison's outfit, hair, makeup -- fabulous? or trainwreck? Discuss.
I like her. This wasn't my favorite performance from her, but still gutsy and fun.

Okay, I suppose Adam was amazing, but I want him to get back to uptempo stuff. He probably figured that turning a disco song into a ballad would make him stand out from the rest of the funk and earn him creativity points; too bad half the other contestants had similar ideas. Simon said the vocals were "immaculate," high praise indeed from the King of Snark. (But as Adam pouts, trembles, and emotes crocodile tears, I have to recall that he's a theater kid going way back.) I do love how humble Adam is without seeming gee-whiz who-me Mindy Doo about it. Way to give props to the band, arrangers, and vocal coaches week in, week out. Class act, dude.

I liked Matt's Saturday Night Timberlake vibe. I thought he might seem beaten down or cautious after nearly going home last week, but not so much. I think he might edge out Lil and Anoop to sing another day. Does he ALWAYS wear that hat? I don't remember.

Anoop: Lame. Totally forgettable. Going home.

So, have I just become accustomed to Paula-speak after all this time, or is she now a close second to Simon in relevance, creativity, and coherence? I loved her Men Who Shop in the Women's Department trope; enjoyed her Strikes and Gutterballs metaphor; and had to rewind when she said she's learned to trust her "visceral response." Really?? Go Paula!

Meanwhile, Kara just gets more annoyingly ridiculous. Notice that tonight the judges went back to the old strategy of speaking left to right each time rather than cycling through different orders, BUT, Kara messed it up and spoke first after Kris sang, despite Randy trying repeatedly to set her straight. For most of the show she just repeated anything Randy said, which is a horrible strategy since most of what Randy says is largely incoherent and devoid of meaning. And then she said Adam looked like "the guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent." Huh?

Randy IS right about one thing: all these guys can really sing, and vocally this is a very talented top seven. I think it comes down to which ones are the better all-around performers. That might sound like stating the obvious, but I don't think that's always been true in the past.

Okay, enough from me. If the rest of you can peel yourselves away from your hectic and grippingly engaging lives long enough to tap out a few comments, I'd be much obliged. Oh, and welcome to Tom, who comes highly recommended by Darla.

one other thing

Does anyone think Paula is having someone write up her critiques ahead of time? Some of the music vocab she uses *could* make sense if she didn't mangle it. She's obviously coming prepared with talking points, I just wonder if she's trying to write them up herself or has a lackey to do that sort of thing. It's hard to imagine her looking up music terms on the innerweb.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

Lisping Widower could have done:
Call Me - Blondie
This Is It - Kenny Loggins
Sailing - Christopher Cross
I Wanna Be Your Lover - Prince

Jaw Jutter could have done:
Careless Whisper - Wham!
Take On Me - a-ha
Raspberry Beret - Prince and the Revolution
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves

You're No Fantasia could have done:
Let's Hear it for the Boy - Deniece Williams
Lucky Star - Madonna
Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar
Here Comes the Rain Again - Eurythmics

Noop Dawg could have done:
Hip to be Square - Huey Lewis and the News
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart
Sweet Love - Anita Baker
Higher Love - Steve Winwood

Seven-mile Stare could have done:
All I Need - Jack Wagner
Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting
Cherish - Kool and the Gang
Every Time You Go Away - Paul Young

Teen Rocker could have done:
Life is a Highway - Tom Cochrane
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Finally - CeCe Peniston
Blowing Kisses in the Wind - Paula Abdul

Under the Radar could have done:
Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears
Smooth Operator - Sade
Who's Zoomin' Who? - Aretha Franklin
Party All the Time - Eddy Murphy

GlamGoth could have done:
Physical - Olivia Newton-John
Tainted Love - Soft Cell
Private Eyes - Daryl Hall and John Oates
Let it Whip - Dazz Band

Top to Bottom:
Adam, Allison, Matt, Anoop, Kris, Gokey, Scott, Lil

Can't believe Kris is in my bottom half, and Scott isn't my rock-bottom.

Sing what you want night!

It’s been awhile since I snarked here. My life has lately been filled with RuPaul’s Drag Race, Petula Clark, and research papers. However, I am back and snarkier than ever!

I’m watching AI via Tivo now so I can fast forward through all the wasted time. (I would have watched it live, but Twlight arrived today, so I had to watch that first. Don’t judge me.)

Anoop… Yo, Dawg. Did he keep that jacket from Michael Jackson week? I wish there wasn’t a live audience. They don’t need to boo or cheer. It’s more annoying than Anoop’s performance. I thought backup singers sounded awful here, too.

Sleeve Girl…This song is kind of boring, and the vibrato is doing nothing for me. She sounds a little Regina Spekterish. She just followed the cameras with her eyes. I think I drink now. Booooooooooooooo! I want to see a smackdown between Kara and the audience. It makes me nervous when I agree with the judges.

American Idol stars in concert in Boise? April 24? It’s tempting.

Gokey… I have a feeling Paula is going to be a mess by the end of this song. What the hell? Paula is bobbing her head like she’s headbanging to this song. He’s one of those singers whose head might explode when he hits certain notes. I notice a touch of Bryan Adams. “From the first note to the cadence…” Maybe I don’t know what cadence means, but I don’t think it means what Paula thinks it does. Everybody hump Gokey’s leg now!

Allison… what’s with the teenage girl lucky voice? It’s very Miley Cyrus and Rachel Ray? Is there something that happens to girls’ voices that cause this? I’ve had a cold this last week, so I sound kind of raspy. Maybe I’m becoming a teenage girl? I like this song, and I like the rock twist she’s putting on it. She’s got a big voice for being so young.

I don’t like Scott’s hair. It’s a bit too puffy. The song was fine. I still don’t really dig him.
I wish the judges would stop bickering. It’s distracting me from my own snark.
Matt… I have no idea what he is saying. This may or may not be what I sound like when I’ve been drinking. “Loshandimsecuryafoumelyingothflor….”

Oh, Lil. I’m fascinated by the wigs, but I’m not so fascinated by the notes that are off. And again, the distracting backup singers! The canned backup vocals at the Petula Clark concert were less distracting!

When there isn’t a theme, the show is just boring.

Okay, audience. Now they’re just booing whenever they want. If a judge said, “I don’t like Chicken McNuggets,” the audience would boo.

Adam… Interesting he’s keeping this hair do. I think it’s better when he looks like a rooster. Did he just rub his hand across his crotch? He certainly knows how to scream… I mean play to the audience. At what point does his style become screaming and not singing?

Paula’s going to bust out of her top. Kara: “It was like Studio 57 up there.” I don’t get this allusion. I just googled it, and it could be anything from a production company to a salon to some guy’s MySpace page.

Kris is my favorite of the evening. Maybe it’s because I like the song? Maybe it’s because he’s dreamy? (I don’t care that he and his wife cook in matching aprons.) I don’t know about that last note that came with a bit of a gopher face, but it was still good.

I just turned AI off to find this horrible Osbournes show. Oh… my…God.

does Idol always ruin Motown?

I have a lousy Idol memory -- do they always suck at Motown? I like a lot of Motown and always initially think you can't screw it up too much, but other than Adam and Allison this whole night was either downright bad or boring as hell.

I'd send Blind Guy or Spazzy Tattoo Gal home first, but won't complain if Oil Rigger goes instead. It'd better not be Allison.

Why didn't anyone mention what an Elvis vibe Adam had going on?

Somebody's smokey, but it's not any of the singers.

That’s nice they gift-wrapped Paula. She wants to see them “challenge their artistic integrity” tonight. What does that even mean?

Matt: My guess is that they will not compare him to JT this week because he’s not wearing a hat. Annnnnnd, I’m right. He was fine, but it was definitely a cover, not his spin on things. Paula says “your riffs are not whorish,” essentially. They are classy and tasteful, and who is she backhandedly slamming here?

Moppet: I want him to put a baby in me.

The Blind Guy: Someone in wardrobe is having a laugh with him tonight. I wish Phil Collins was singing this. Or Phil Donohue. Anybody else. This is actually bad, not just the usual boring. It’s funny because he doesn’t know what pink looks like!

Anoop!: That was fairly forgettable.

Spaz: Oof, that was trainwreck and there’s no Influenza B (are they a new sponsor or something?) to blame this time. Perhaps that’s what Paula was mainlining two weeks ago?

Oil rigger: Ick. This could not be stiffer or less soulful.

Li’l Rounds: She sounds strained and all over the place. She’s a better singer than this. She looks terrific, though. I agree with Randy that this sounded rushed.

Adam: He’s having a Zac Efron moment, but I love this. But I loved him last week, too. “I have six words for you: one of the best performances of the night.” That’s eight, if anyone is counting. “You’re not a rocker, whatever.” –Randy. Out of the mouths of babes, all that.

Dead Wife: Is he the second coming of Taylor Hicks, or what?

Allison: The only person to own a song tonight. Brava, miss.

Going home: Spaz or Oil rigger. Or The Blind Guy, if a girl could wish, in which case there’d be a pony in my living room right now. I adore how freaked out Kara is by this performance. OH MY GOD, Paula has a pen mustache on her face. She and Simon are either smoking peyote or doing it. Possibly both.

Paula's Paisley Bodice... not to mention what's under her skirt

Matt: If Kara says "package" it might not be out of line this time.

Hal Mraz: We all know my tastes are really vanilla, but I think this perf is just very appealing.

Blind Boy: Or is that bland boy? He's flat. And boring. Bleh. (Oh, hey -- Simon gets on board!)

So far, all of Smokey's advice has been -- That's great. Do that. Wow. Good job. Don't change anything. Thanks, Smokey -- that's really helpful.

Megan: wtf that hair?!? that dress?!? that arrangement?!? I think I heard Tennille do this arrangement on her old variety show with the Captain.

Kumar Brady: Eww, baby baby. Didn't do it for me.

Check out Paula's paisley bodice. Hey, that would be a good name for a band/blog.

Roughneck: Go, beefy boys. He's not great, but I think he's safe another week or two. (Ooh, the "I'm having fun" and the "I'm being true to myself" defenses, together! drink drink!)

Little: wtf that hair?!? that dress?!? She's got a killer voice, but this seems a little manic, a little rote.

I'm getting tired of Kara's squinty analytical face.

Anime Goth Jonas: goes all Chris Isaak. Love the look. Love the arrangement. LOVE that last note. (I want to hear him sing LOW and growl-y one of these days....)

Ghoulish Widower: I can barely even look at him, he creeps me out so bad. Barf.

Funk Muppet: Jeez, she's SIXTEEN. No fear.

Going home: Megan

Country night with Randy Travis! Or is it Lyle Lovett? I'm confused.

The judges enter, and Paula looks disturbingly solid on her feet.

Oilrigger: It sounds just like a country song! Or a Ford F150 commercial, at least. I don’t think it did anything to show off his voice, but he’ll probably sail through to next week.

Allison Iraheta: Wow. That really sounds like a country song. Do not like. But her voice sounded great. Oh goodie, Paula is starting to look teary and incoherent. Her speech makes me think she’s letting her down already: don’t worry you that you won’t win, you will have a career in the music business. Randy thinks it’s DOPE! Why can’t Randy always be this succinct?

Tender dawg: This doesn’t sound like a country song to me. It’s just boring and his voice sounded weak in places. I prefer him dancing behind a guitar he’s fake-playing. And Simon seems to have a man-crush on him. Huh. Why do all of the judges love this?

Local news is featuring a story on how an XBOX almost lost a family their lives.

Li’l Rounds: This felt off to me. Paula is complimenting her outfit: DRINK!

Jazzy Hands: Randy Travis’ discomfort with him is awesome. Back away from the boy in the nail polish. Okay, this is crazy and awesome. And his vocal control is fantastic. Please tell me he is going to sing Jeff Buckley at some point this season, because I think he could do him justice. The swaybots have to be completely confused at this point. He evokes Freddie Mercury for me, just because he’s not afraid to tackle crazy arrangements.

How great does Paula’s rack look tonight?

Blind guy: Booooooooooooooring. Uh oh, Paula and Simon are fighting. They’re totally sleeping together.

Alexis: I love this song. Why do they even let them start on the stairs? So cheesy. This was alright.

Dead wife: Blech. Really, Paula? Brilliant? I disagree.

Anoop! I like him. I’m voting for him, and I don’t care what anyone says, la la la! I thought he kind of killed this.

Tweaker: Wow, Randy Travis just loves everything. As long as it’s not being sung by a gay man wearing nail polish. She sounds someone trying to imitate a Jamaican accent. This is awful. Holy god, I think Randy is wrong: this was a train wreck. Ohhhh, she has the flu. I don’t sound like a Jamaican when I have the flu. Perhaps she's has some exotic variety.

Local news story teaser about an autistic boy who “nearly got crushed in a garbage crusher.” Maybe he was playing Xbox prior to that?

Matt Giraud: Nice. Forgettable, for me.

Going home: Oilrigger or Tweaker.

Michael Jackson's music rulz

I'm really curious to see who gets voted where -- with the exception of Anoop no one was absolutely horrible. I didn't love every performance, but I thought the quality was pretty high overall.

Lil' Rounds is clearly a good singer, but this song did her no favors.

Blind Guy is pretty much the definition of fine -- he's okay, but not great or even interesting.

Danny Gokey -- I was prepared to hate on him for the overplaying of the dead wife (probably not his fault) and mawkish ballads, but I really liked this. I even thought the awkward dancing was endearing. He flat out performed that bitch!

Roughneck is another fine -- he's decent, but boring.

Just 17 will probably get voted out before she picks a song that shows her to advantage. She needs serious help projecting some personality.

Kris Allen -- I really enjoyed this, he's certainly adorable, but I honestly can't remember a single previous performance.

Burgundy Hair -- like Darla, I want to like her but didn't particularly care for this song one way or the other.

Anoop -- awful. If we go by performance, this is definitely the worst of the night. I can't see how anyone in the universe could do Beat It without completely redoing it (like the version of Billie Jean David Cook did last year). I suspect he'd survive the cut if they went by vote totals this week (and not the judges) -- there were several decent but forgettable performances by people who don't have the mad fan love Anoop seems to have.

Puerto Rican Guy -- I thought this was a perfect pick for him, but then I think he's completely schmaltzy.

Megan -- she's got an interesting tone, but she's also got a lot of annoying vocal tics. Not to mention her movement around the stage is horrifying. This doesn't seem like a good venue to insist on being anti-commercial, and how else do you explain Rockin' Robin?

Adam -- I'm still enjoying him, though I suspect I'll end up hating him in a few weeks. He can donate his stylist allotment to Kris Allen, who needs some sartorial assistance.

Matt -- he could also use some wardrobe help, but vocally he's good. Last week I thought he was really good, but couldn't remember what he'd done before -- and again I can't even remember what he did last week.

Alexis -- overall I like it; she would've done better to just stand still and focus on the vocals.

It's the Simon and Paula show, featuring lots of alcohol!

The judges enter in a very Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome introduction . . . love it. Then they announce (DUN DUN DUN!) that two people will be going home!

Li'l Rounds: I actually felt like this song wasn't big enough for her voice, and while I love her, I was just sort of meh about this performance. I love that Paula complimented her on wearing a soft color, then told her to stick to dark colors one minute later. And really Paula? Her falsetto sounds like an angel? YAY PAULA IS HIGH AS A KITE.

Blind Guy: He is so boring. I feel like if they made the movie Heathers now they would use this song instead of Teenage Suicide--Don't Do It. Really, Paula? Norway? I love her tonight. I'd also like the phone number of her physician.

Dead Wife: PYT I'm not so hot on this arrangement--it makes him seem really stodgy and white, like a nerdy Michael McDonald (oh hey, Simon just said it too!). And he stole Taylor Hicks' awful tush push! Oh jeez, Paula is crying already. Maybe she's actually coming down off of something?

Oil Rigger: Meh. He can sing, but this was boring. Did Simon just pull a Paula and congratulate his effort? Does Paula look puffy? Did she get work done and maybe she's working off the anesthesia? And where did this song place on the charts in Norway?

She's Just 17! I love that she's that singing a Jackson 5 song. It fits her youth. And she's okay. Just okay.

Moppet: Remember the Time. He looks pretty comfortable on that stage and I like him, though I couldn't say why. He's not doing anything new or interesting, but he's cute! Paula is getting belligerent. And Simon makes so much sense--why do they boo him when he says things that are true?

Allison Iraheta: OH MY GOD she sings at the grocery store. I love her. She's so good on stage. Paula must have blacked out watching the video when she states that started singing at age 5. "You must have started singing at age 2, but how will we ever know?"

Anoop! I'm so nervous, hearing the opening notes. It's karaoke for me (and Paula agrees!). And his jacket doesn't have enough zippers.

Is that Ryan's nana? Whose nana is that? I love that she's talking up Randy.

The Heartthrob: I started off not liking it and now I think he's the dreamiest thing ever. I liked it, even if the judges didn't.

The Spaz: MJ wrote this song? I'm so confused. She is so adorable. Oh my god, did she Caw! Caw! at the end? And why is Gordon Ramsey there?

Jazzy Hands: Paula: "I don't even see the stage." Definitely mescalin, then. I'm not crazy about him because I think he belongs on Broadway, not on the radio.

Hat for Fashion (who is this guy, again?): Oh, I love this song. I thought he was just okay.

Alexis: I love this song choice, and I love that she didn't change the words to make it more gender appropriate. Are we running out of time? The judges are being so brief.

Going home: Anoop! and Oil Rigger. Or maybe 17.

I am thankful that Kara dropped the whole "package" broken record and that someone pickled Paula. God, she's good TV.

Unlucky number 13

What’s with the lighting? Are they trying to imitate Iron Chef? And was the cameraperson drunk when s/he zoomed on Ryan? Was Paula in rare form or what? Just when you think she can’t get any more wasted or any less articulate – blammo! – she proves you wrong.

Lil – She’s awesome, but I wonder about her range.

Scott – Paula sez: “It’s nice to finally see you with your instrument at your fingertips” – this made beer come out of my nose.

Danny – No mention of the dead wife this time. I’ve heard that it’s having a negative impact on viewer perception of him. He kinda rocked that, though, and that’s what counts.

Michael – His ballad was snoozy and I find him forgettable.

Jasmine – It was better than I thought it’d be. Her little brother is cute.

Kris – I didn’t see the point of him having his guitar. It was completely drowned out by the band. I want to like him more than I do, but I don’t.

Allison – I still dig her and I like her style, but this performance was just a little better than alright. It didn’t wow me.

Anoop – Poor Anoop-Dog. That was kinda suckariffic.

Jorge – That wasn’t as bad as the judges are trying to lead us to believe it is. Plus, he’s adorable.

Megan – I really wanted to like this because I like her, but this didn’t do much for me. It just seemed incongruous and I also hated her outfit.

Adam – Wow! What a pimpfest! The judges like him as much as I do. Are those luggage tags hanging from Paula’s wrist? This way if she wanders off and gets lost, someone can ship her back home?

Matt – This was better than I thought it’d be. Go figure. I find him uninteresting.

Alexis – I love her. She totally rules. I like that she’s got the sultry angle going, although I suspect that that is how she got herself pregnant. Sweet – Kara wants to have some hot girl-on-girl action with Alexis. Why does she have such a jacked up call in number?

Did you all see Paula batting some sort of mic or wire around her right shoulder? WTF? She’s such a tweaker. What do you suppose is the big 'ole surprise for tomorrow? My guess: one person is going home because they have the lowest amount of votes and the other one who is going home is the judges' choice.

Going home: Anoop and Jorge or Megan (if my above prediction is correct, it'll be Jorge)

I wish Kara would stop talking about my "package."

Von Smith: You know, I didn't think this was that bad (I can't even remember what he sang now) but I feel like he's going to get lost in the shuffle.

Taylor V-something-or-other: She really does look ancient. I just felt for her. She didn't seem comfortable on the stage and the singing just wasn't good enough to get her through another week.

Alex W-T: Wow. I think he's adorable but, good night, that was bad. The growling was unbearable.

Arianna Afsar: She's SO CUTE. Okay, this wasn't great, but I wouldn't hate to see her continue. She looks like a Latina Isla Fisher, no?

Ju'not Joyner: I don't care for this song and I fail to how this stripped-down version was a homerun. I think he could go through, just because the male performances on this ep were such stinkers.

Kristen McNamara: Karaoke. Snore.

Nathaniel Marshall: I'm so over him and his ridiculous headbands. And I hate it when people put all that metal shit in their face. But good for him for singing Meatloaf. Left field, all that.

Felicia Barton: I like her. A lot. I liked this performance and I want her to continue.

Blind guy: This guy has bored me from Day 1, but the swaybots seem to love him.

Kendall Beard: I think we have enough diminutive blond country singers already (and one bigger one, amiright J Simp? ZING!). I liked her prom dress but that song STUNK.

Jorge Nunez: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" Paula and Kara fawning over him cracked me up. He bores me.

Lil Rounds: I love Mary J. Blige and I loved this song. I finally *sort of* started to understand the gibberish about "telling us who you are" with this performance. I guess maybe I liked her because she could sing AND her personality really translated well. Or maybe she's just GOOD.

So what happens next? When do the wildcards get injected back into the competition? I still feel like such a newb.

the last third o' the bunch - the "Who You Are" ep.

Von - Didn't see this on account of being a mom to a baby. The recap looked kind of shouty, though.
Taylor - Did not like.
Alex - Did not like.
Arianna - Did not like.
Ju'Not - I really liked this - he worked it out.
Kristen - Does her outfit and hairstyle make her look like a porn star to anyone else? Either way, she messed up a song I like.
Nathaniel - I know he thinks he's rockin' Bowie's Aladdin Sane hair...phail. Anyone who screws up anything Bowie is automatically disqualified in my book. Ta-ta drama queen!
Felicia - I liked it better than the ones I did not like, but I do not concur with the judges re: the hoopla (hooplah?).
Scott - It was a'ight. Will he get a sympathy vote?
Kendall - I'm not a country music fan (thanks Kelly Pickler!), so I'm not qualified to weigh in on this one.
Jorge - He's sweet. I kinda like him.
Lil - Didn't really see this on account of being a mom to a teenager, though. Looks like she blew it out of the ballpark, though.

Going through: Lil, Scott or Jorge, I hope Ju'Not

The gods will throw the dice...

My ears shatter like ice...

I was going to wait until the end to blog, but holy crap, Arianna was terrible. I'm not sure any of those notes are in "The Winner Takes it All."

I wonder what the judges consider the perfect song for the perfect age. People are too young, too gloomy, too off key. They have so many standards it's almost like they work for the state department of education.

I still find I don't care about any of these people. I don't even remember most of them. Thankfully I get to be snarky tonight. I was supposed to judge a talent show, but it was canceled. Where would all of my snark have gone? I might have self combusted.

I think songs that were sung during Hollywood Week should be off limits. I feel like I've heard "Hey There, Delilah" way too much in the last month. Ju'not's not doing much to change my mind on this, d'y'know?

How many diamonds or rhinestones is Paula wearing? Does Simon actually pay attention to anything? He doesn't know Ju'not's name, he doesn't remember people from Hollywood week - he's like me. Oh.My.God.

Why am I so lukewarm on these people? Kristen certainly isn't Tracy Chapman, but she's okay... until that shriek at the end. The judges are full of backhanded compliments... or maybe just backhands? "You have a nice voice and range, but your clothing is ugly as hell." They might as well say, "Well, if that dress makes you happy..." in the way my mom would when she disapproves of something I'm doing.

Oh, Nathaniel. Cue tears and headbands! How many headbands is he wearing? I think those are headbands. Oh, Lord. That first note was bad. Does he have fangs? I can't really concentrate on his song because I am so horrified by his outfit. I wonder if my students think that about me sometimes? His grandma looks cute.

I'm distracted by Randy and Paula's watches. They're a bit OTT. And Simon's hair is driving me crazy. It's so Flowbee. And even with Paula's weirdness, at least she is the only person who actually seems to remember the audition process.

Felicia - I think I like her. I think I'm going to vote for her.

I hope Scott's brother helps guide Scott around. He's pretty. Unfortunately, I think Scott will be going home. Yo, dawg, he's a bit pitchy, yo. And now the judges will hump his leg. I'm sorry, but I don't think he was good. Are the judges talking him up so that maybe we'll have a final two of The Guy Whose Wife Died vs. The Blind Guy?

I think Kendall looks like Kristin Chenowith? Anyone? Is that allusion too Broadway? The microphone matches Kendall's mom's jacket.

Jorge's eyebrows are ridonkulous. Imagine what a stylist will do to those if he makes the final 12. I think he's singing the shit out of this song, though. Go, Jorge! Standing O from Paula! Paula is spreading her fingers like she's a vulcan. Kara is taking over the spirtual wackiness and made him cry. Wowza. Jorge's kind of precious.

Lil Rounds. Lil Brandon. I could pull it off. I'm not digging the rooster 'do, but she's got a great voice and stage presence. Damn, girl. Best performance of the night.

I just tried voting, but all lines are busy. That's cool. I must say I enjoyed the performances tonight more than I've enjoyed the last couple of weeks. On to the results show!

AI live: I may kill myself

The tivo finally died and new one doesn't get here until tomorrow, so for the first time I'm watching live. No promises that I'll get through to the end.

Ryan has a decent outfit on this week; Paula looks fairly normal fashion-wise. And I know everyone has bitched about this, but I can't help asking: what is Simon's deal with the lame shirts? This week's sweater is much better than the white t-shirts, but WTF? He's a nice enough looking guy, but I don't get the shirt profile. Or the hair, for that matter.

Von Smith: Why do all the kids wear knit hats these days? Damn, I'm old. Does AI do photo shoots with a red pickup every year? Seems familiar. I'm not sure very white people should sing songs with "sho nuf" in the lyrics. Pretty good overall. Nice red shoes. Finger, drink.

I like the e-Trade talking babies. Almost as good as talking animals.

Taylor V-something-or-other: This girl is 17 but looks a good 27 at least. Are her tights leather? This song is too big for her -- it's okay, but not interesting or great. Fingers.

Alex W-T: Oh dear. I don't remember this kid, but Simon was right -- horrible. This is as uncomfortable as I've ever been watching Idol. This may be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I think we're going to have to change the drinking rule to when they DON'T do the fingers.

Arianna Afsar: Abba. What's left to say after that? Has anyone ever just freaked out in the middle of a performance and run off stage? That's what I thought she might do for the first 30 seconds, and it would've been best if she had. Ghastly.

Whoever picks the songs for iPod commercials is a frakking genius -- I don't like a whole lot of stuff, but I almost always find the stuff they choose catchy.

Ju'not Joyner: Snore. The judges liked it -- maybe I just don't like the song.

Kristen McNamara: Something about this girl bothers me, I don't know exactly what. I absolutely love "Gimme One Reason"; this version, not so much. Way too much from the judges on her looks tonight.

Nathaniel Marshall: I can't stand this kid and his wacky headbands. Or this performance. BTW, exactly what is it that the singer won't do for love? I've always wondered.

Felicia Barton: She's way oversinging, but Paula's standing up, so someone liked it. Even her baby doesn't like it!

Blind guy: Never liked this song, and this performance isn't changing my mind. If Simon doesn't call this karaoke, he's just being nice to the blind dude. Wow, the judges loved him -- maybe it's just me, or my dislike of the song overwhelms everything else. Whoa, Scott gives the high five back to Ryan -- now I kind of like him.

Kendall Beard: Country.

Jorge Nunez: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- sigh.

Lil Rounds: I'm not totally sold on the song, but she's good.

I can't say that I care who gets through out of this bunch -- it might be just being annoyed at spending an entire two hours watching. Definitely Lil Rounds; otherwise I'd say maybe Jorge and blind guy?

It's a two-fer.

Here's how this goes: Kara backhandedly insults their singing by complimenting their looks and "package-ness," Paula basically parrots what Kara said, then they all tell them they chose the wrong song. How is that helpful or constructive? Everyone sounded out of breath tonight and I don't know if they were just nervous or if it was cold in there, or what?

Jasmine: This was so painful. And I love that song, so . . . sadness!
Matt: This was so painful. He sounded like a goat.
Jeanine: This was so painful. Why did these people get this far? And what was the whole inside joke going on about lips between Simon and Kara?
Nick/Norman: I would like to see him get a job doing crazy interviews with people online. But he needs to go.
Allison: Finally. Someone can sing! Loved her.
Kris: Oh, ouch. I don't care for Man in the Mirror anyway, and he sort of butchered it in places.
Megan: She's so adorable! She's going to die when she sees how twitchy she looked up there. I want her to stick around.
Matt: I love his slow-motion robot dance. His singing was unfortunately boring.
Jesse: I like her, and I like that she chose Betty Davis Eyes. She is sort of forgettable but I hope she gets to the next round. She seems more comfortable on camera than most and her body is banging.
Kai: Boooooooooooooooring.
Mishavonna: I actually really liked this. I thought her voice sounded far fuller than anyone else. And that dress? I covet it.
Adam: That was too over the top for me, too Stones-on-jazzercize for me, but it was solid singing and he deserves to go through.

My picks: Allison, Megan, Mishavonna.

Thursday:
You know what's my favorite thing about Tivo? Fast-forwarding through those horrible group numbers. I watched the whole episode in ten minutes flat.

Allison. Fantastic!
Matt. What?
Oh hey, it's the Coal Miner's Daughter again. Still hate her. BloopBloop, thanks Tivo!
Adam. Of course.

Who will we see in the wildcard round? I'm guessing Tatiana will rear her crazy head again, and maybe Mishavonna?

I love the closing dance montage at the end. Especially when it includes the blind guy. High five! Oh, wait . . .

surprisingly not that sad my tivo freaked out

So I missed half of the performances and tried to catch them on youtube, but from what I saw I didn't miss that much.

I love Norman -- I'd be perfectly happy to see him advance. Adam and Allison were good, but after that I'd go with Norman!

Suckage de la Suckage

Ryan is going to mow the lawn? A polo shirt and jeans? Really? He does realize that this is not the rehearsal, right?

Jasmine: Beautiful girl...I really wanted it to be good but you can't always get what you want.
Matt: His Georgia on My Mind in Hollywood was brillz. This was not.
Jeanine: Paula's right. She has great legs.
Nick/Norman: He's no longer good tv. Not funny. Not cool. Definitely not going to the Top 12.
Allison: Loved it. Now that's a bad-ass 16 year old.
Kris: I thought it was terrible, but Simon liked it??? Is he high?
Megan: I like her - I want her to go through.
Matt: Snoozefest.
Jesse: Meh.
Kai: I really wanted to like him, prolly 'cause he's cute. Nah, I also like that he takes care of his mama. His singing was underwhelming, though.
Mishavonna: I'm on the fence on this one. Mostly underwhelming, but there was something I liked about it.
Adam: Rulz. I lovelovelove him. Also, I would like to have a beer with him.

Oh, and Brandon, the mention of "singing the phonebook" merits a drink.

Going through: Allison, Adam, Megan (and I wouldn't be surprised to see Matt as a wild card pick)

Another Dozen

Jasmine: Pitchy, dawg. Mildly pleasant.
(Did Ryan get to the studio too late for wardrobe?)
Matt: Breathe, dude! Kind of a mess.
(They're not talking to family members tonight; I don't miss it.)
Jeanine: Cruise ship. Hotel lounge.
(So far, three for three wrecking songs I really like.)
Nick/Norman: Fabulous. In every sense.
(I get why Simon hates this... but c'mon, the guy can really sing.)

(Ah, the Red Room at last. I was thinking they'd abandoned it.)
Allison: That was fun. Kinda Mini-Clarkson.
(Do we like what she's wearing? I can't decide.)
Kris: Nice enough. Cute will get him some extra votes.
(Heh. Ryan thinks you get "more happy" from looking in a mirror.)
Megan: I like it. But I think the strange vocals could get old fast.
(What are those weird dance moves? Did she practice on her Wii Fit?)

What Simon just said about Megan could apply to LOTS of the performances tonight: strong start, and then some shout-y over-singing as it went along.

Matt: Bo-ring.
Jesse: That was perfectly fine, but...???
(Can't stop thinking "Marty Feldman Eyes".)
Kai: Good, but kind of bland.
(Nice Simon quote: "It was sort of capable.")
(When does hair and wardrobe kick in? Too bad Kai won't benefit.)
Mishavonna: Those eh-ehh-ehh-eh-eh-eh's sound like a porpoise.
Adam: I like his anime hair better than his screechy voice.
Nice dreamy-eyes at the camera, Edward Cullen.
He's like the black-sheep Jonas brother.

Allison, Adam, Kris, Megan, Nick/Norman.

Us in Vlog form

Do you all watch Idolatry? This is what I imagine we would be like if we worked in the Entertainment Weekly offices.

First Results -- but no spoilers.

Gregory, doesn't Alexis look a little like Sylvia/Tamara? And her dad is blonde Meatloaf, and he's crying, I love him.

It's sure nicer to hear the winners sing instead of the losers -- I always thought having to repeat the performance that got you canned would suck.

Carly and Michael from last season are singing "The Letter", which they sang in the finale last year -- WTF? Michael says he has a single coming out in a couple weeks, so why isn't he doing that? Weird.

I completely agree with the voting. Lord knows that'll probably never happen again. Tatiana is going to hyperventilate and pass out on stage!

TiVo delay

I watch the intro packages, the singing, and I try to get through the judges' comments, but I have to admit I end up fast forwarding through a lot. So far I can't say that Kara has really added anything to the show -- I like her fine, but she hasn't said anything particularly useful.

So after 3 weeks we'll have 9 people chosen, and then have to pick another 3 out of the 27 who are left -- how is that going to work?

Now we know where the pants Olivia Newton-John wore in the final scene of Grease went -- Jackie Tohn has them.

Why is Paula already crying?

Oooh, Ted Danson in the house -- are they pimping "Damages"? I tried to watch that show, but their big reveal conceit got old really fast.

Brent Keith, the country guy -- I didn't even make it through the entire performance. Borrrrring.

Mwaahaha -- Simon: "What HAS happened to Bucky Covington?" Now I remember why I love Simon.

First painful moment of the season -- Stevie Wright. Damn, that was flat awful. That wouldn't be considered good at karaoke. How did she get this far? Anyone remember her being any good? Ugh, fast forwarding to hear the judges crap all over all it. Bye bye Stevie.

Oh, Anoop -- I wanted to root for you because you seem like a fellow geek, but this was a snoozer. Fast forwarding.

The contestants are getting a nice amount of time this early to actually sing, which I really appreciate. Or not, depending on the singer, but we definitely have enough time to hear them. The lack of scripted programming these days is a plus in one way, at least.

Oh no Casey didn't say she's singing Every Little Thing She Does -- oh yes she did. This girl is dead to me, and she sucked enough that she'll be dead to everyone else too. Maybe she can join Haley Scarnato and tour senior centers. Oh jesus, make it stop! Didn't anyone learn from Chris what's his name butchering this a year or two ago?

Roughneck dude picked an awesome song, and I agree with Gregory that the backup singers and arrangement really helped -- it might be enough to get him through, I don't know. He doesn't have the voice to carry this off, he faded out in the second half of the phrases in the chorus.

Anne Marie can join Casey and Haley at the Ramada Inn. Ewwwww. Paula's all nuts again, how can anyone use the word "soul" in relation to this performance? Go Simon!

Can someone turn Stephen up half a step? He's flat, flat, flat. Damn, that was uncomfortable.

Has Tatiana ever heard what Randy and Simon say about doing Whitney songs, particularly this one? Apparently not, dumbass. Bye bye annoying self-absorbed chick.

Are the seats wired to give electric shocks that force the audience to give standing ovations? Give me a break.

I didn't want to like Danny, and I don't like Hero as a song, but strangely I thought it was quite good.

Strange, my picks are also my guesses as to what voters will do this year -- Girl: Alexis. Guy: Danny or Roughneck guy. Third person: Anoop? I wouldn't mind seeing Jackie get another go.

Crap, I think my TiVo is dying. This is not a good thing when you're unemployed an a tv addict.

Ewww

I'm catching up on last night's show, and I just got done watching Stevie. I had a headache before, but damn. I may have accidentally recorded a bad high school talent show.

And apparently you all were drunk last night. Fill me in on the drinking game!

Skip to Casey... poor thing, but Paula's comment about phrasing: Does Paula actually listen to herself speak? She can't even phrase normal sentences correctly.

Top 12 out of 36 divided by three divided by four times three equals 12

12, 12, and 12? Top boy and girl go through? Wild card? Huh? I’m confused already. So how’s that gonna work? Is it on four nights this week? Results on Tuesday and then performances? All I know about Wild Card is that Clay Aiken was one and I loved Clay Aiken.

Jackie Tohn: Doesn't ‘tohn’ mean tuna in Spanish? French? And what’s with the outfit? It’s like a cross between Minnie Mouse and a Bratz Doll. It was a’ight – better than average. I kinda like her Janice Joplinesque voice.

Ricky Braddy: Elliot Yamin did that song in S5 and it was WAY better. I think I like his velvet blazer, though. Is it burgundy? If so, then I like it even more. Oh jeez, I’m pulling a Paula and saying something nice about everyone – I gotta knock that crap off. Dudes. The judges – they’ve been sippin’ from Paula’s cup.

Alexis Grace: She’s fun – I like her style. Chica can sing the blues. Sultry! We got a hot one in the house! Paula’s getting all choked up – DRINK!

Brent Keith: Ladies and gentlemen, we have the return of the “Country Western Squat and Bounce”. Is that a razor blade around his neck? Is this how he copes with Simon’s critique? Kara: “rangey”???

Stevie Wright: What was that?

Anoop Dog: His Hollywood song was way more engaging. This was a little bit snoozy, but I like him.

Casey Carlson: Oh, this is so horrible. It’s like I’m trapped on a crazy, cheesy cruise ship and she just won’t stop. I saw that trainwreck coming the minute they said she was doing The Police.

Michael Sarver: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anne Marie Boskovich: I think that was pretty good – I can’t find anything to make fun of. Am I tone deaf, ‘cause the judges didn’t like it so much? She’s cute – maybe I been duped on account of that.

Stephen Fowler: Oh, poor guy – he thinks he’s doing well, but ‘tis not so.

Tatiana Del Toro: She actually has a great voice. Too bad, ‘cause she’s kinda batshit crazy. They need to muzzle that laugh, though.

Danny Gokey: Ooh, I hate that reaching out to the camera maneuver. That was a’ight. I wanted to like it, but it was just a’ight.

So wait, three people go through? I thought he said one boy and one girl earlier? What’s the third one, then, and where will he/she/it come from? So then there would be nine – how does that make top 12? I still don’t get it.

Going through (I much prefer venturing on the going home - sooooo much easier): (three, right?) Alexis, Danny and Anoop dog or Tatiana (say it ain't so)? Not going anywhere (ever): Casey and Stevie.

One dozen

Jackie: A little frantic. Fun. And apparently she can telekinetically control the elements, so watch out. Finger - drink!

Ricky: This is top 36?? Must. Stay. Awake. Can't. Close. My. Fingers - drink!

Alexis: Loved it. Strong arrangement really helped. Fingers - drink!

Brent: I always wanted to be bow-legged. Nice dimples. NO finge... oh wait. Fingers - drink!

Stevie: Oh. No.

Anoop: Looks like Kumar, dresses like Peter Brady. This is very (bland?) pleasant. Fancy fingers - drink twice!

Casey: Barbie-skank butchering the Police. Lisa's on the warpath!!
NO FINGERS! Casey deserves a few votes just for that.

Michael: Oil Rig ROUGHNECK? Can I be a "middle school book wrangler"?
Another really good arrangement. Please thank the back-up singers.

Ann Marie: Nothing specifically wrong... but... ??? I KNEW Simon was going to say lounge/hotel/cruise ship/cabaret/variety show/some other shorthand for generic.

Stephen: Recalled the original and still made it his own. Now if only he could stay in key.

Tatiana:

Danny: That was very Idol. Thank you Simon, voice of reason.

Alexis, Danny, Michael, Tatiana, Anoop.

From Justin to Kelly

FJ2K, the American Idol musical, finally worked its way to the top of my Netflix queue when I wasn't looking. Perfect timing, really, as the new season is just heating up and I'm stuck at home this VD/Prez weekend with an annoying cold.

So here are a few notes. C'mon, you know you've always wondered....

The plot is nearly non-existent, and the atrocious writing doesn't help it make any more sense, but the musical numbers are cheese-tastic. There are a couple groovy dance numbers ("The Bounce" and "Brighter Star") where everyone is dancing in unison, and I'm a total sucker for that. But all the songs sound like they were written for a 1970's rip-off of a Xanadu sequel, composed on a Casio and recorded in a four-track home studio. Pleasant, but forgettable.

Justin doesn't ever take off his shirt, probably because he's such a scarecrow compared to the rest of the beefcake in the movie. Kelly is also far and away the most modestly dressed woman on the beach, but this fits her character as it is "developed" in the "story."

High School Musical minus Grease plus MTV's Spring Break divided by Blue Crush factored by an early Britney video equals FJ2K.

There should be a whole series of these: From Jordin to Blake; From Carrie to Bo; From Ruben to Clay; From David to David....

The Big Finish in FJ2K is a remake of "That's the Way I Like It" by KC and the Sunshine Band that goes all hip-hop in the middle. It kinda looks like one of those Ford commercials they do with the finalists.

My final verdict: Lots of good looking people in beach attire, some fun dancing. With no other assets, I recommend watching only the group musical numbers, and maybe a couple of the romantic duets if you're a Kelly Clarkson fan.

One down...

Joanna Pacitti was disqualified from the show. It seems odd that it would be because of her past since recording contracts haven't stopped others. Go here for more info.

Big Red Chair

After just a few minutes, I think I can say this mansion thing is stupid.

Vaughan is ridiculously intense. Is tonight's show just going to be people crying a lot? I like to cry and all, but... oh my God. Two hours? This is really going to take two hours?

Ooo... sing off... dramatic. "Okay, I'll just wait outside." Duh, Alex. "I'm just going to run to Starbucks."

I want one of these chairs for my classroom. Then I can make my students do sing offs... or English offs. This is just more cruel than in past seasons. It kind of takes the joy out of it for whomever beats the other person. Totally awkward.

Nathanial praying to a chair and Tatiana breaking down in the hot seat. Neither of those things are surprising as teasers.

It's 7:42, and I realize I've wasted 42 minutes of my night watching this. Not that I'd be doing something useful. I left papers at work, and I'm certainly not thinking of things to get ready for the inservice Friday. Maybe I'll eat some ice cream.

"I think your relationship with your instrument..." We shouldn't start sentences like this. I guess singing "I'm going home..." wasn't a sign.

Maybe Nathanial and Tatiana will have to do a sing off before they are both kicked off.

Frankie Jordan singing Brandi Carlile. No no no. Only Brandi Carlile should be allowed to sing that song. Seriously. At least Frankie's husband and baby are cute.

Oh my. Tatiana is wearing Paula's jewelry. Tatiana's nervous giggles make me nervous. I'm always nervous, but this goes up a new level. Eff. I have to deal with her for awhile longer. I think Simon might have just kind of kissed her, but it looked like he was smelling her hair. Creeper. Jeez. Stop screaming. AuuugGGGHHhhhhhOOHHHhhhhooooooo!

Obviously I would make a poor judge since Tatiana and Nathanial are on.

And finally, good for the welder and the rough neck. Did you know they were blue collar workers? I mean it's not like the set up for these two really focuses on... oh wait. Thanks for reminding us of something we already knew, AI.

Another three weeks until we have the top 20. Does it usually take this long? Can't we just get to the final three right now?

Bleh

After seeing Paula's dress at the Grammys (no, I don't watch the Grammys but I watch the fashion recap shows -- which only Gregory will understand how totally bizarre that is considering what I look/dress like), not much shocks me about her clothing anymore.

I guess I'm the only one who kind of likes Norman/Nathaniel/whoever -- he actually has quite a nice voice, I'm just really lost as to why he keeps going with the vaguely funny bits in a singing competition. I would like the opportunity to choke the life out of Tatiana with my bare hands.

Again, they hardly show us any singing. And the show coming up tonight is the one I like least every year -- no performances, just people making a long annoying walk and sitting in a chair. I don't know anyone well enough to be emotionally invested in them staying; I hate some people, but that's not enough to get me through the hour. On to next week!

Melinda Doolittle is on Ellen today (I'm unemployed, I watch daytime tv) -- she was really good, I looked forward to her every week. And now it's a commercial for a traveling version of Fiddler on the Roof starring Topol -- hasn't he been doing this role since I was born? He doesn't look ancient, did he start when he was 12? Weird.

Tatiana goes home tomorrow, right?

I loathe Tatiana. She's being kept on by the producers, no? They're going to take her out in a rowboat on the lake tomorrow, right? So the first room she was in was the first to find out they made it to the next stage, so they clearly moved her just to fuck with her. I love it. I wish they had moved her one last time, just to really set her on edge.

And I don't know what's worse--Paula's broken CDs on a string or Randy's "necklaces" which were PAINTED ON HIS SHIRT. And did Simon catch his plane with a box of Kools in his hand? I don't know what it is about this season, but I've been seriously enamored of Simon. The way he smiles when he really likes someone, the way he can seem to tell the difference between crap and talent? What is happening to me?

Also, Blind Guy? 1982 called and they are CRAZY for you! Meh.

Paula and the magic invisible lasso

Straight up now tell me what the hell was that around your neck, Paula? Were you involved in a hit-and-run? Straight up now tell me do you think a mirror should last forever? Or are you breaking mirrors just for fun? I wish Paula would sell her happy pills on QVC instead of that crappy jewelry. I'd so buy some of those - imagine the fun of the American Idol Drinking Game with Paula's happy pills thrown into the mix (Brandon: we'll bring you up to speed on the Drinking Game and encourage you to add some of your own rules, as well. It evolves a little each season).

So, Tatiana's a plant, right? You know she's gonna be in the top 36 just because she makes for good tv. And either Norman von Crazynutbar or Nathanial McDramaqueen will be joining her. I love how her added presence to the second room she was put into freaked the other contestants out and led them to believe that they were going home. (And, yes, you are correct about that song being the kiss of death, Brandon).

How long would tonight's show have been if all of the recap moments were edited out? Maybe 17 minutes at best? There had to have been more actual material to air (that hadn't already aired) such as, oh, I don't know, singing perhaps? That's probably just as well because I might have gotten attached to someone only to have to bid them adieu. And I've got issues.

This is Do or Die!!

Dang... do or die? Really, Seacrest? You're such a drama queen. It's an effing talent show. Just because I get emotionally involved with the show, cry with the contestants, and swear to never watch again doesn't mean it's a do or die type of show.

It's kind of weird to pick up where things left off last week.* Who has the attention span to even remember how these people performed last Thursday? Those sad, nervous looks are how my students look all the time. *Oh, wait. The show is using a framing device. Tricky, AI. Now we get to see their individual performances. I obviously have no idea what is going on.

Paula just said "package."

I am a fan of sweeping cameras when someone plays the piano. I find it incredibly dramatic. I still remember one with Brooke White from last year; every time they did it, I sighed contentedly.

I like how the judges aren't giving feedback on the individual performances, but they're giving standing ovations and giving nods of approval and hooting. Way to keep cool, judges.

I think Paula might pee her pants. I think she's been keeping the crazy at bay for the last couple of weeks, but she's starting to let it out.

Oh, no. Scott is singing the going home song. Is that the wisest song choice? "I just found out Paula gave me a standing ovation. I didn't see that..." Umm... he knows he's blind, right?

Seriously. We see 20 second clips of the songs. How the hell are we supposed to care about their voices and songs? All we're really seeing are people singing past winners' songs poorly.

Tatiana is as crazy as Whitney Houston.

I might start wearing headbands like Nathanial. I think that could be my new look.

Joanna Pacitti... we didn't hear much of her during the last couple of weeks... and OMG! She totally forgot the lyrics. And now a series of flubbed lyrics. Oh, I feel worse for the guy who started over.

I'm sad that Tivo just caught up with the live TV, so I can't fast forward through commercials any more. What an inconvenience.

Please, God, don't let Norman Gentle move on. It's as painful as keeping Sanjaya on for so long in season six. If I were to be put in the holding room with him, I would assume I'd be packing my bags.

Is Tatiana just standing in a hallway? Did I miss where they put her?

I hope I never hear "I Hope You Dance" again.

So, everyone must have had three songs to choose from. Boring.

I hope they keep moving Tatiana. I think it would be hilarious if they put her in all of the rooms and then just pushed her out the door.

How nice of Simon to abandon the judges when it comes time to delivering bad news.

Paula needs to work on her acting skills. It's so obvious that room was going to be a fake out. Yay for them.

This room is so going home. Cue tears. We didn't really care too much about most of those people did we? Well, Linisha... I kind of cared about her. Poor thing.

Room 1: "How are you all feeling?" Mumblemumblemumble... Good for Room 1.

Meanwhile, in the other room. Analyzing the screams. Oh for God's sake. Tatiana.

I still don't care about most of these people.

The Judge's Mansion??? What in the world? Will contestants receive a rose if they're still in? Oh, Idol. You play with my fickle heart.

Hooray for Hollywood

But only because that means it's closer to the real thing.

I like that guy who auditioned in San Francisco - I want to say his name is Adam...might that be the pseudo punker guy you are referring to, G? I still like dead-wife guy. There were a few others who I noticed, too, but I had to watch from afar and so names and details are escaping me.

I'm getting tired of the comedian guy who won't stop trying to be a comedian - is he being kept around just because he makes for good tv (which is why bikini girl got to stick around for a bit)? Haven't seen Jason Castro's brother around. Kinda sad to see Rose and her stinky feet go - there was something about her I liked. I guess I must just have a soft spot for contestants with matted hair (hi Jason Castro!).

Brandon, your Heidi Klum/Nina Garcia comments were brillz. I love what a bitch Nina Garcia is. (Yes I did just end a sentence with 'is.' See, I just did it again).

Drama!

I guess the theme for tonight was DRAMA! And Tatiana, aka Giggles the Dramabot, is the Queen. I can't believe they kept her around. At least bikini girl and Nancy Wilson suffered for their dramarama.

I'm not at all sad that hippie-chick from small town Idaho went home. (A kid from camp last summer just moved to Rathdrum. True story. He probably knows her. It's that small.)

And they sent the Osmond home! And the cute class-president kid. Utah-haters!

Paula's evil eyes will haunt me forever.

Who are your favorites so far? I kind of like that androgynous punker guy, even though I don't usually like raspy, bluesy shriekers. And the black girl who was the only "Diva" who got to stay sounds great. And the oil-rig worker continued to surprise me.

There, that's about all the energy I can muster for Hollywood week, Parts I & II.

Hollywood week part 1

Now that I know there were only 150-something golden tickets given out, letting bozos like bikini girl, girl with cute dog and guy with cute little brother through is especially egregious. Are there really that few decent singers left in the entire country? I'm betting bikini girl makes it through just to annoy me.

Randy said...

BANOODLES.

Which everyone knows is a term used exclusively for critiquing dance.
I'm reeling from the synaesthesia.

Manhattan vs. San Juan: The Ultimate Smackdown

Watching West Side Story would probably be a better option than a third night of AI, but I can’t turn back now.

Maybe I should give up my job to try out for the show. Oh no, Adeola. People shouldn’t try singing that song. Yikes. Another “I’m just going to keep singing even when they tell me I’m horrible, but I’m not giving up.”

Tonight we’re in Omaha! Now, that would be something. It would get us one step closer to Amish Idol.

Commercial Time
Re: Diet Coke and Heidi Klum. Since I’m going through Project Runway withdrawal, I have to make a comment. Some of my favorite moments on the show are when Nina Garcia says something like, “The quickest way to trashy is through short, leopard print skirts with spangles.” Cut to Heidi Klum wearing a short, leopard print skirt with spangles. I wonder if they slap each other when the camera’s off. Or maybe Klum starts shouting in German and Garcia starts shouting in Spanish, and Michael Kors sits in between feeling awkward… and orange.

But I digress.

Loud does not equal good. OMG! She just stomped her foot. That was awesome. Did she say she was 20? 2? I think the judges have an interesting definition of “constructive criticism.” Can I implement this into my classroom?

AI is all about the musicals this season. Just tonight we have West Side Story and Hair. I thought Broadway was taboo for the show.

Jackie is an enigma. She scared me at first, but I think she could have… whatever! I love that the set just fell apart and they just keep going. I think Jackie caused the window to fall down. She’s like Carrie. Seriously, no one is going to even comment on the set falling apart? Does this happen a lot?

Sad and bad montage – Cue Chris Isaac.

Like Simon, I hate comedic things, but Norman is cracking me up. He can actually kind of sing, but he’s sure to get creamed in Hollywood.

Alexis Cohen… Take it Take it Take it. It’s like she’s an ambassador. A scary ambassador. Was that a monologue she was delivering to the orange shirt people?

“I Want to Dance with Somebody” used to be one of my favorite Whitney Houston song. Woah, Paula with the smackdown saying no. She never does that. Not that it matters.

On to Hollywood! (Maybe I’ll actually care about some of these people then.)

Where are the black people?

As Darla and Lisa have pointed out, they've put through so much crap this season. And then they give this polite, cute, talented Osmond boy a bad time?? They must ALL be drinking from Paula's crazy cup.

Hey! It's the Target Lady from SNL! And the Cowardly Lion on meth.

Listen: None of you will entertain the thought, even for a second, of calling me Greg the Rabbit. Or Swarley.

Love the "thank you" montage. I can honestly say, without irony, that I admire talentless, deluded people so much more if they are gracious and grateful after the fact.

Does this class president boy have angel wings on the back of his t-shirt?

I really appreciate that they've let us see more of the good stuff tonight. Maybe the earnest wholesomeness of SLC got to them.

TOMORROW night??? What the --? I do NOT have THREE nights a week to devote to this show.

OMG SLC

Is it wrong that I’m excited about AI in SLC? Are the acronyms too much? IDK. It’s almost like this audition is in my backyard. Ahhh, look at all of those wholesome people.

It’s an Osmond gang! Auuuugggghhh! Well, hell. I was all ready to make fun of this guy, but since he has MS, I would feel bad. I can still make fun of the gang though. Do they always travel in a pack?

Oh, Kara. Really? Commenting on “all those runs”? Do you not watch this show and what singers do?

The question of what makes this town so happy followed by the “Gee willickers,” etc: They should have thrown someone in saying, “Oh my heck!” and we would be closer the source of all this happiness.

If I were a judge, I’d ask Frankie to do another song to make sure she isn’t just doing an Amy Winehouse impression. And what’s with the impressions? The next girl, who I kind of like, has some weird Bjork moments… if Bjork sang songs from Showboat.

Oooo! Sneak peak of Kelly Clarkson’s new album. Yay! Can I get a “woot” for the original American Idol?

By the way, the next time I do something well and walk through a door I want a group of people to scream in approval.

The Riverton sweaters. Interesting choice. Did Raffi sing soul songs? Perhaps I misunderstood his genre when I was a kid. Ahhh, I actually got a little choked up when Austin did.

In a singing competition, it’s not the best thing for someone’s first comment to be “You have a beautiful face.” Well, good for Rose and her dirty feet.

What what what? Tomorrow night? AI is on three times this week? I didn’t plan for this. But thank goodness Hollywood week is next week. Thanks, AI for shortening the audition weeks!

Ryan: lost in the jungle or trying to escape?

I want to invite George "Simple house, marble floors" Ramirez to a party at my house - I was impressed and amused by his ability to wildly misinterpret the questions asked of him.

Also, nobody should ever try to sing a Minnie Ripperton song. Including Minnie Ripperton.

Paula clearly had hooch in her cup tonight. The crazy was in full force.

Were there several undeserved golden tickets tonight or was I just not paying close enough attention?

An Osmond tomorrow? I can't wait.